I know everything you say is true but how do I deal with it if I want to stay with him. I so wish I didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. Its like I am addicted to him. He says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how I felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.Maybe he just knows that I will take him back and so doesn’t really care if I find out. He has also said that I will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which I kind of understand. When we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and I asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. I am now sitting here wondering what I have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me – its all so confusing and hurtful. I have never been in such a toxic relationship before. I spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. How can that be a marriage. I don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. It’s all such a mess. If someone had told me I would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that I have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living I would never have believed it. I was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx
