The problem with addiction is that it is such a taboo and has such a stigma attached to it… when you are the partner of the addict, it kind of feels as if that rubs off on you.
I have found it embarrassing too. None of my family know about it. They would be livid if they knew. They would never forgive him. I think they might also be angry with me for not getting out sooner (as no one understands the dynamics behind it unless they have been through it, especially the DV) and for not being open about it etc. So… it feels like some dirty secret I’m keeping for him!
The answers thing – yeah, I think the thing to bear in mind is that I don’t think they even know the answers to our questions… like they are stuck in this cycle, likely have little insight as to why they are stuck in it or how to get out etc. So they are clutching at straws and desperately trying to not go down any further. I don’t think they really care how we feel or what we think.
Also perhaps sometimes there isn’t a good reason… like I kinda know why mine is in the situation… he had a terrible childhood that has left him with a lot of trauma, we unwittingly moved next door to a drugs den (we don’t live next door to that now) and so he came into contact to people doing those kinds of things, and he was then exposed to a drug that he’d previously been addicted to (an addiction that I knew nothing about)… and then Covid and lockdown happened so he was stuck at home next door to the druggies… those are a few of the factors.
It’s much more complex, but you know what I take from all of this? None of that matters. At the end of the day, whatever factors there are, none of it is my fault! I haven’t done anything wrong. The issue lies with him. The relationship isn’t working because he chose drugs and other substances over me and his child. So it doesn’t matter what he says to me. There is no excuse that he could come up with that would make it okay or better.