I understand about fear of being judged. Being the partner of an addict can be a really lonely place.
I think the problem with addiction is the person needs to quit completely and often they are not willing to do that. So they will reduce usage, sometimes dramatically, but still use… and to us as their partners or family members it is still impacting us quite badly that they are using a little. To them they feel justified and even proud because they are only doing it a little compared to previously having a severe addiction and doing it a lot.
It’s a really difficult situation.
The problem for me is that when you have an addiction, there is always the risk of it getting worse again. So I need total abstinence from the other person.
In my partner’s case, he had a severe addiction for a short period a long time ago that I knew nothing about as it happened so long before I met him. He then used recreationally in small amounts for years. He is now in the thick of an over 2 year heavy (for much of it daily) addiction, desperately trying to quit. So I don’t know if some people can ever quit fully… I guess they have to really want to and seek the appropriate help etc.