Hi Flo
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s a really really hard battle. A brutal and mental assault and this drug will do anything it can to try and make you turn back to it and pick it up again. Without wishing to be too dramatic I think the devil works through addiction and he’ll try every trick in the book to bring you back in. You’ve got to dig in so so hard and scream at it to f* right off.
I think it helps people (those now and those who will come next to suffer this battle) to maybe obtain some comfort in timeline and to know what to expect and when. No two experiences are the same but due to the length and intensity of my use I know I’m in for a hard one. I hope others suffer less, but it’s better to expect the worst I guess.
It was day 5 for me yesterday and I did a huge amount of crying. Led in bed most of the day trying to get my head straight. It was a big birthday for my partner’s mum and I just had no way to get out of it. I have bailed and cancelled on pretty much everything apart from work since I can remember (they would just interfere with my feel good time) so it’s ironic that the one thing I can’t get out of arrives in my detox.
I cried for an hour in the shower and took forever to get myself together as I had no energy. I held back the tears for the drive to the party. Once I got there I was ok! Dosed up on paracetamol and Ibuprofen and took immodium to manage the physical symptoms. I felt positive on the drive home and enjoyed the music in the car more than I ever have!
Unfortunately the restless body was there to greet me in bed. I did manage about 4 hours sleep though in the end, relatively unbroken.
Day 6. Mentally I’m struggling. My anxiety is through the roof and my heart is beating out of my chest. Very teary and emotional and I have to say I’ve had some dark thoughts. I have no energy and no motivation (the house is a mess!) but I’m going to get showered and go for a drive to the coast. Later I’ll head over to my partner. Whilst physically this seems insane and almost impossible, my mental protection has to take precedence and I’m sure this will be eased by getting out and getting through the day. The time goes quicker when doing something.
I hope you’re doing OK, Flo. I’m proud that you have such control to manage a tapered withdrawal and I only hope and pray that once you stop completely it is an easier ride for you.