Hi mate, hope you’re okay
Firstly just want to say you’re not alone and by no means are you a bad person.
Going from your name on here I’m pretty much the same age and can completely relate.
I’ve never been in a relationship where the partner also gets on it and I used to think to myself oh man how good would that be but I have friends who’s partners also use and reality is although you don’t get the constant policing it is actually alot worse for the fact you can get away with it and if one of you doesn’t want it, the other normally does.
I get the whole thing about not wanting to reach out because you’re worried that people may get involved with your kids etc because I have no doubt in my mind, despite your addiction you are both loving and decent parents.
This is a tough one.
Really the only thing that seems to really work is CA meetings but that involves attending meetings and takes up alot of time that you, as parents can’t give up as you need to be home with your kids.
I know it isn’t as simple as talking to eachother and saying “for the kids let’s just stop” because as nice of a thought that is, addiction and doesn’t care if you’re parents and will grip you no matter what responsibilities you have.
Do you guys have close friends you can talk to? Tell them and ask them to manage your money so that it’s harder for you to get hold of? People who won’t judge?
Can you maybe take it in turns going to ca meetings on alternative nights?
But please understand this. You both have to do this together. The worst thing that could happen is one of you giving 100%and the other 50% where it leads to a situation where you’re both questioning eachother if they been on it etc.
You clearly love eachother and alot of addicts aren’t lucky enough to have that person in their life.
Draw up a list.of things you want.
New car, family holiday. Anything and stick that on the wall and keep looking at it.
Anyone who does gear knows that you get a mad bond with someone you get on it with. Find something else.for.you both to do together when the kids go to bed.
Maybe youtube home work outs.
I know it’s never going to be as glamorous as getting the drinks in and a g and telling eachother how much you love eachother over and over again whilst off your nut but the reality is that this isn’t living.
Be honest with eachother, support eachother and keep pushing on.
You got this. For.yourselves and your kids.
Much love
James x