Since I wrote this, he has continued to use. He did go back to work but then hurt himself and has been off for just over a week. Hopefully, he is going back this week… we really need the money.
In his off time he has used and then when there was no money he has not used. When not using he is absolutely vile. I can barely stand it anymore. I don’t know how I am hanging on and managing to stay sane. I do think it’s affecting my physical and mental health now. I feel as if I am enabling him because I have leant him the last of my money. Basically, I cannot cope with him if he’s off drugs. I don’t know what that is but it’s affected him so profoundly that off drugs he is too volatile and unpredictable for me to cope with…
His paranoia and delusions have been really high, especially when he was off the drugs. That aspect has made my life SO hard. I have to live as if what he believes is happening is actually happening. It is literally crazy. He thinks people are spying on him, monitoring and surveilling him. This belief started when he started the crack.
Anyway, I am still trying to leave. I just checked and I ranked 1-5 for my last bid. I don’t seem to have been number 1. I am pretty desperate to get out. I’ve decided if I don’t get anywhere within the next couple of weeks then I’ll have to talk to the council again and see if I can be rebanded. I am just so fed up and exhausted by it all. I keep dreaming of my new, peaceful life in a flat that does not smell of cigarettes, where I am not having to go on runs to get alcohol, cigarettes or booze. It seems a blissful idea.