hi debbie, i am very sorry you are right back in the horrible position of discovering your husband has little to no commitment towards staying clean. That’s a big blow for you.
But… please do not talk yourself down for what has happened… you have been extremely kind and generous in your attempts to deal with a situation that is completely of his making.
I know deep down you know that there was some inevitability towards this happening all over again, just as all of us living this life accept that relapse is an almost inevitable part of recovery. We all live on a knife edge just hoping and praying that today won’t be the day. That doesn’t stop us having faith in the good and it doesn’t stop it hurting if/when it does happen. It doesn’t make us silly, wanting the best, it’s just the way it is.
I know you don’t want to give up on him, but to have a relapse you’ve surely got to actually have an intention of quitting and recovery. From where i look it just doesn’t sound like your husband is there yet, he’s still firmly in the denial camp and doesn’t see a problem with using cocaine when he wants to. And you’re the *bad one* for complaining!?
Regarding your holiday… i would still plan to go, maybe alone, maybe with him. You mustn’t miss out – you’ve given up a lot already (peace of mind)… every time this comes up another bit of your potentially happy life gets snatched away.
If you go with him you will get time together away from drugs (unless he sneaks some along or scores while away!)… i think you should ask yourself if the time together will provide clarity going forwards, or whether it will just set you up for more disappointment in the future.
Addicts are self-centered, self-serving and selfish people. Their thinking is all mixed up. Looking at those ladies stories of getting out, it’s the best thing they did. If you can get out maybe you might be much happier this time next year, rather than up nights stressed, upset and hurt.
How much time do we devote to these ungrateful addicts before we put ourselves first?
xx