i watched an interesting vid from stephen hilton earlier… called i almost relapsed… i normally struggle to watch him as i find it very triggering (all the shiny, happy, recovering addict stuff makes me want to scream I’m afraid!! it doesn’t feel shiny or happy in ny heart or soul, not at all????) …anyway…
the interesting part was how the addict brain always defaults to type… ie.. reaches for the drug of choice, without constant hard work it’s difficult to not relapse.
it made me think of my husband’s recent behaviour… i came the closest to splitting with him a week or so ago, as his obsessive addict behaviour really flared up. i pointed this out to him that he knows he’s acting wrong and surely if he crosses behavioral lines, how long til he doesn’t care about crossing the line and using again. No fs given! I said i was genuinely wondering if he had taken drugs and felt if he hadn’t it was very close to happening.
At the time he didn’t really think of it that way and listened but disagreed.
We were away the weekend and had quite a nice time, but my guard is right up around him. That super cautious mood i have around him lately finally twigged his brain, and he said that he realised that he has been slipping more and more into thinking like an addict lately.
He’s going pull his socks back up again and has already.
But…. in my heart (and i told him so too) … im no longer sure he can do it.
Here’s hoping… but if i have to call time, i will!
I don’t want to live on this knife edge ????