so true!
i feel a little like his babysitter a lot of the time…. when we’re out, keeping an eye on him all the time (he’s perfectly okay drinking, but i know he feels emotionally triggered a lot when going to certain places, seeing certainpeople etc… as am i!) then worrying if I’m not home what will he do… i feel so duty bound to be there not necessarily to prevent drugs happening, more because i know he is going to be reminded about how in the past he couldn’t wait to get rid of me so he could use freely. i know he suffers with the guilt and self loathing.
he’s off to cardiff with his business partner in august and for few minutes i thought how nice, I’ll take the kids to see family in Scotland or Cornwall…. then minutes later realised i just can’t do that. he won’t be able to handle coming back to an empty house, he just won’t. I know it’s his consequences, but i know how much it would hurt him. and… there is a very small, tiny… but real possibility that he might be possessed by the addict’s mind set… i can’t risk that.
yet at the same time as my logical side says *what will be will be* i think of how the kids would feel if as a result of a nice trip away our family life was forever forfeited.
you’re right … our souls have been destroyed too…
sometimes i feel so overwhelmed with sadness and resentment, i wish there was a way to turn back the clock but there isn’t and whatever way we go is painful x
sorry for being so cheerless on a nice sunny day x