Hello,
Oh I feel for you as I know this pain, when you just find out your whole life gets turned upside down. He’s clearly got a bad problem – hence the wages going missing. I won’t lie to you it doesn’t get any easier in fact it’s going to be a bumpy road but it doesn’t mean it’s the end of your life with him.
You are going to have to confront him, but be prepared when you’re an addict in active addiction they can be absolutely awful towards you. He will most likely deny it, or say it was a one off, they are great at manipulating and making you think you are crazy but believe me… you are not.
There’s no easy answer, until he wants to admit it all to you and says he needs help there’s nothing you can do as he will just lie and this will continue. I’ve had this for the past 5 years now and have a 2 year old son, my partner has relapsed again and he’s been gone binging on cocaine for the past 10 days. Leaving me with my son, the sad thing is I’m kind of used to it now, but I remember the feeling when I first found out, horrendous ….
I do think you could leave your son with him, He’s probably been doing this for years without you even realising.
I would also buy the strip cocaine drug tests from eBay – so he can’t lie to you, make him do one they’re instant.
In regards to your house situation you have no legal right as you gifted him the deposit – but at least you’ve got another property if you needed to leave.
The thing with addiction I think until they hit rock bottom and about to lose everything they have no reason to stop… mines about to lose his family and he couldn’t really care less, cocaine makes them selfish, arrogant, manipulative and narcissistic! My boyfriend is totally different when he’s using I have to totally cut him off until he’s not using, as addicts don’t see logic when they’re using.
The fact he’s using porn and gambling as well this all goes hand in hand! I would tell him you know eveyrhing but please do not shout as it won’t work it’ll do the opposite he’ll probably just leave and continue to use. Speak to him with some empathy honestly I’ve learnt the hard way – I know it’s hard but be calm and explain you know he’s taking drugs and now you have the proof.
Let us all know how it goes, this group really helps me. It will get easier but you need to learn to detach yourself from this it’s early days but you will. I have, it will be ok but he’s going to have to want help (rehab/CA MEETINGS/addiction counselling) or he’ll never ever change.
Believe me in regards to the mood thing – they have no empathy what so ever when they’re using cocaine, it makes them emotionless and selfish.
I wish I had better advice for you. Xxx