Hi Navy, I just want to say thank you for your kind words. The reason I try to post on here so much with advice is for 2 reasons. 1 because I know the extent that cocaine ruined my life and also to try and help partners of addicts understand that it doesn’t always mean that the user is a bad person because from my personal experience unfortunately my partner just put it down as I was trash and not the man I “pretended to be” when in fact I was really struggling to get through the days and wanted nothing more than to be able to escape the drug. So hearing that I can help others in any way really does make me feel in some way worthwhile again after many years feeling worthless.
So to get back to your questions.
Again everything I say is just my opinions or how things where for me so I can never say exactly what your partner would be feeling or doing…
When I decided to quit did I get rid of everything? I mean yes but obviously an addict or always trying to cover their tracks anyway. My Mrs used to go through my wallet when I was asleep and find a wrap or a baggy every now and then. That was when I slipped up and forgot it was there. For every 1 she found I got rid of 20. So really there wasn’t much to get rid of but I certainly wouldnt of had empty baggies laying around that I knew of.
How did I feel when I came off it, that’s a tough one to answer because it must be different for everyone. I guess it has alot to do with why you are and the situation at the time. I had many previous attempts I won’t lie some lasted 1 week or others 1 month or 3 months but when I managed to stop was when my Mrs left me and I knew this time was for good. She outed me on her social media (we are both normally very private people) and told the world that I was a cocaine addict. So I was dealing with embarrassment, sadness of losing her, guilt and alsorts of feelings but what I found most strange is that despite all of that going on, after around a week I started feeling really good. I hadn’t been longer than 48 hours without a line in around 18 months prior to when I actually stopped and I couldn’t believe just how good i felt, happy, energetic, waking up feeling refreshed. Now it’s important to factor in that my body was probably grateful for a break and also the feelings of guilt, embarrassment etc probably kept the cravings at bay because I would normally be craving cocaine if missed even just one day of doing it but this time it wasn’t the case. I also think that a big part was I genuinely this time meant it. Other times I told myself I will stop because I had been caught or I had blown months wages in a weekend but it was never really that I wanted it quit, more that I should. This the however, I didn’t struggle with cravings for around 2 weeks which was the longest my body had been without it for such a long time that it allowed the natural endorphins to kick in and contribute.
Triggers, now I know triggers are real. But for a cocaine addict, and I mean like alot of us ended up like, it’s not worth calling anything a trigger because everything would be. That being said of course alcohol will always make a cocaine addict crave cocaine. Most recovering cocaine addicts have to accept they will not drink either as the 2 go hand in hand.
Me myself I would never even consider having a drink unless I had cocaine too. I wouldn’t enjoy being drunk, I would hate it but the 2 combined are the best feeling in the world.
The wanting you to keep your distance thing. This is the big one really isn’t it and please do not act on my opinion because I can’t speak on his behalf just my own experience.
When sober, all I would want is affection from my partner, I would feel guilty for my previous actions and what to show her I’m sorry, I would crave forgiveness and want cuddles etc even though at the time she would have been fuming.
Avoiding her was only ever for one reason. Because I was on it. Some times I’d be able to work from home, I’d do gear all day, and as soon as the time approached for her to come home I’d make up that I had been called to a job so I could leave and not see her and then wait until she had gone to bed to go home. Literally would sit in my car for hours on my own sniffing making up lie after lie as so why it was taking so long.
There would be times she insisted I waited for her to come home to help her in with shopping or something and I’d make a huge deal out of it like my boss was going to sack me if I wasn’t at the imaginary job in 30 mins because I couldn’t let her see me as it would have been obvious.
I look back at all of these things and can not believe how bad I treated her due to my addiction because I loved her more than I knew was possible to move another human being and when I was sober I showed her that.
But this is the whole reason we are all here right? Because it really does destroy a person’s soul and turn them into a shadow of who they are.
Im not saying that he isn’t feeling anxious or that he isn’t going to struggle but cocaine addiction is such a reclusive thing that most of the time when coming off and genuinely making progress most people want to sing from the rooftops and tell everyone how well they are doing which is why people enjoy CA meetings so much.
I hope this helps in some way and please ask anything else you might want to know
Take care
James x