Hi ladies, I hope you’re all doing okay.
This is actually a really good topic because it’s probably the hardest part to get through for both the addict and the loved one.
So you are at the point where the partner has come clean, you know everything, all the lies and the twisting things all the money etc you know absolutely everything and they have either come clean and told you or you have found out. The fact you are still in each others lives means to an extent you want it to work still.
The addict will promise no more, agree to do drug tests, all the things that they fell they should do to prove to you that they have stopped but for the other half it becomes a full time job trying to catch the lie, analysing everything that is said, everything they say they are doing watching their mood constantly and driving themselves insane thinking that the addict is still using.
The addict, in this situation probably feels full of guilt and shame and really wholeheartedly wants to stop, be able to regain the trust and love of their partner and try to get to living the life they know both you and they deserve. Unfortunately addiction doesn’t let someone go that quick. I’m not saying give a free pass or be okay with it but what I’m saying is in this case the guy agreed to tests meaning that he was serious about stopping. He has caved and obviously taken some and by no means am I excusing it but coming out of addiction is one of the hardest things anyone will go through and if he was a big user even more so. He’s had a moment of weakness, used a small amount and will find himself feeling guilty for a start but also scared of the consequence of his partner finding out. Coming clean would feel like suicide so he resorts to the tactics of trying to cover it up.
The point I’m trying to make is that although every case is completely different and you can’t just allow them to keep going back to it but this isn’t just a switch off thing. He in my eyes was still making great progress and a small bump in the road does not mean that he has not been giving it his all up until that point and genuinely is trying his best for you.
Imagine telling yourself you aren’t going to drink coffee anymore, and you prise your partner you won’t but after a week you’ve had a really stressful morning, you’re tired and you drink just one cup. You feel guilty afterwards but you acknowledge that you have done so well so far and you start again knowing that you’re on the right track.
I know it’s not the same thing but I hope you can see what I’m saying.
Please be understanding with addicts who are trying to stop. It isn’t easy, we aren’t perfect and sometimes we fall. It doesn’t mean me don’t care about you or that we want to carry on living the life of an addict.
I completely understand how hard it must be to feel that the trust has been broken again and I don’t blame you for feeling mad but always try to gauge whether someone is really trying or if they are making excuses.
I hope that this didn’t come across wrong as I know you’re all hurting.
Stay safe
James x