Ask anything my friend.
My wife is all to conscious of my prior existence, it has in reality only been 5 months.
Be aware of the destruction caused as the consequence of your actions. Let that be a reminder of the evil path.
When I came out and told those around me what I had become something shifted inside me. That shift meant I was able to deal with the past and draw a line (terrible pun I know!). I wouldn’t let yesterday define my tomorrow.
I admitted all, it was all my fault. I tried to make amends through apologies but this wasn’t enough, not anymore.
The biggest shift in me saw my lovely wife having a glimmer of hope that I was perhaps turning the tanker. This was only through actions, positive actions. Carrying my load around the house, attending to the kids like I’d never done before, being in the moment, back at the gym, putting my hand up for tasks that society dictates we need for a better world (helping Wifey with the charitable work, being my sons football team coach etc).
What you say about not doing bad things anymore and that you deserve for it to be forgotten. Yes, I too get sentiments like that time to time. That’s the beast right there trying to creep back in, recognise it, see it and then remind yourself of what you did in your previous life. Switch it the other way, how much faith could you have in your partner if they treated you the way they did?
The ego will always say you deserve more because you’ve been clean or been good. Again, remind yourself why you’re doing this? Is it for you or is to get something (appreciation, forgiveness, boost confidence etc). The latter are cleverly disguised as they are ego plays. What happens if you don’t get appreciation, forgiveness, a boost of confidence etc? You’ll sure enough go back to your old ways because you didn’t get back from the external environment what it was you were seeking.
Hold strong to your beliefs, principles and values (decide what these are). Do this for yourself and yourself only. You do this then you’ll change from within, people will see the change, eventually.
You mention your partner, never say never my friend. Your actions is the only currency she’ll recognise now, words are like Monopoly money.
You mention your daughter? As you love yourself even more selflessly, you will glow, your bond will strengthen with your daughter. Do something incredible (by this I mean 121 time) with her 1 weekend, do something whereby an external environment forces you together however you have that time alone with her. Forgive me I don’t know old she is but there is plenty you can do to strengthen your relationship. This will only get stronger.
Let me tell you a secret, although my recovery has been strong, my wonderful wife hasn’t actually uttered the words I Love You yet. This I think may hit home (albeit in different context however principles are still the same). Am I slightly saddened she hasn’t yet said those words? Yeah, perhaps a little. Do I let it effect us or any part of my relationship? Absolutely not, this is truly her prerogative, she’ll say it when she wants too, if at all. I know she loves me that is without question.
Truth is, I caused this, not her, not my friends, I did. I had the choices, I chose coke until it was nearly all too late. It’s never too late unless, well….you don’t have a chance to ever comeback.
But let’s be clear on one thing, I’m making the change for me and me only hence why I’m relaxed why she hasn’t uttered those words yet.
Hopefully the above helps bro! ????????