Today I woke up wondering what the point was of waking up at all. At times it’s like an out of body experience – I still can’t quite process that this is happening to me. I’m not ready to move on. And then I just replay in my mind the things he said, the things he did, the things I did, the things I wish I’d said or done. We can’t go back and change it but my heart aches for that. I do have regrets. Wishing that I’d been enough for him so he wouldn’t go looking elsewhere. That he’d recognise that I was never perfect but I loved him and that’s why I stood by him through all his hard times.
I am managing to wash and dress myself, and feed our animals but it’s all just going through the motions. I haven’t been able to face work – my head is all over the place. I haven’t eaten properly for five days now. I am still utterly alone and haven’t seen another human since he left the house. Even as I write this I get angry with myself that I’m attention-seeking and looking for pity. I hurt myself more by imagining him doing fine off on his own, feeling relief rather than any guilt or the pain and confusion I feel.