Hey there,
I am new to this too in a similar situation. I’m sorry to hear your partner is addicted to cocaine too.
One thing that has made things easier for me which I didn’t do for a good 6- 8 months was tell family. I was ashamed and embarrassed but it was the best move I did. As the extra strain of hiding it was making me feel worse which I didn’t realise until after.
Now all our close friends know as I needed support in people following up with him on a friend level so he had people too.
My husband is a gambler and cocaine addict even though he only admits to the gambling being a problem and he ‘can take it or leave it’ apparently with the Coke. However since the pandemic and he lost his job he hid from me for ages that he was racking up debt gambling and to coke dealers. I was 6 months pregnant when I realised he owed so much money to people.
I paid off his debts and each time he would come with more promising it would be the last time. The amount of times I forgave him, he gave me the speech of ‘ I just need to find a job I like and everything will get better, I promise that’s the last thing I owe. Then after a week or two of things being better and starting to see the old him again, it would all start again. But as time went on, 3 jobs later, I of course had a newborn to look after.
Very long story but here we are 16 months later since my baby was born and I can count on one hand how many times he’s done anything with us outside of the house.
But I have lost count of the amount of times he has ‘popped out’ and been back in 10/15 minutes late at night or another excuse for why he needed money (apparently not for gambling or drugs- yeah right)
The last straw was when he blamed me for losing his recent job because he was stressed with moving house and he couldn’t sleep etc (basically up all night probably gambling or doing drugs) so would take half days at work where he’s so tired. Oh and it was my fault because I went away for a few days with my little one and he didn’t wake up for work one day.
In the next breathe he says I’m not blaming you. He was raising his voice getting angry grabbing things and I thought finally I’m not putting up with this anymore especially with my little one there and told him he needed to go.
Since then he has basically told me he will continue to spend money or do crazy shit until he doesn’t wake up as doesn’t want a life without us. I told him We can have a life in the future once he gets help and starts taking accountability! His constant thing which he keeps repeating is he can’t do that until he’s living with us and that’s just not an option anymore. His brain won’t allow him to do that? It only wants one thing to be with my daughter full time. Yet he won’t see her and only seen her quickly 3 times in the last 7 weeks as ‘it’s too hard leaving her’ so doesn’t want to see her.
The guilt they put on you is unreal. You start to feel unwell. It’s emotional blackmail which I am starting to see clearly now. However it still can get to you. I often get upset about the life we once had and what he’s put us through. Well his addictions.
I really miss the old him. The person who would never of done these things or treated me the way he has. The person who would always check in on me and that I got home safely. The person I have been with all my life.
It would make it so much easier If I hated him. But of course I don’t. I hate this new version but not the person who you sometimes see a glimmer of, giving you false hope that one day they will come back.
His erratic behaviour is out of control now. I’m fed up of having the same conversations and being called heartless for not helping him when all I’ve done is help. It’s time he helped himself.
But I am now also worried he will run up debt against me where we are married and I have my daughter to protect too.
Anyway so sorry that was long! I just wanted you to know which I’m sure you do… your never alone! There are so many of us going through it, even if we never thought it would be us.