Hello all,
I’ve not been on for a few weeks, as ive been throwing myself into family life and trying to give the kids the summer they deserve for the first time since covid/the coke years/the aftermath.
By and large things have been okay with my husband in that he hasn’t taken drugs, but yet as ThisTime has just precisely describrd he is not the man he was. I can’t work out whether the coke changed him, or whether he changed in order to tell himself that sneaking around our family home taking drugs was a reasonable thing to do. I think maybe both went hand in hand. He wasn’t an addict to begin with… he thought he had it under control. I can stop when i want… laughable. Since he shouldn’t have been doing it in the first damn place. A conpulsion he couldn’t control… yet he could control it enough to be sly and devious and cruel. Hmmm. That’s one only those inside addiction can truly understand.
Anyway i digress…. he just simply is not a functional person any more. It’s like he completely forgot along the way how to be a decent, useful, autonomous member of this family.
He is rude, argumentative and detached a lot of the tine.
I will be honest… i can’t be bothered any more.
For example… he hates his work and has taken to moaning endlessly about his partner. It’s turning into a huge and poisonous resentment. Yet he does nothing to resolve the issues. It then in turn makes me feel dreadful as he implies i make him go. Yet… before the cocaine occurred it was our shared dream for him to provide enough money for me to stay home and look after everyone. He then gets snipey and jealous if my daughter complains about her job/takes time off. It’s like he has the biggest chip on his shoulder and is setting himself up to be some kind of supervictim. He even complains about the kids school holidays as *they’re not fair*!!!!! Can you believe it?
We all had the same holidays growing up. Haven’t our poor kids suffered enough without being sniped at for sleeping in on school holidays and weekends?
If i sleep in sonetimes im selfish. Yet he forgets i have chronic insomnia as a direct result of his actions. Yet. if I’m tired he complains! If i don’t do chores im lazy. If i do do chores it’s inconvenient He feels i should do my chores during the day… which i do. Yet… newsflash… jobs need doing in the evening too!! And i think he can’t believe our children are actually autonomous people with their own lives and views. They make a lot of work and are time consuming. They’re meant to be that way. He seems to resent me spending time in the evenings talking to them rather than being at his beck and call. Yet if i pull him up he says It’s Fine… in the manner you would think he was doing a great favour. Then, rather than getting involved in the conversation or whatever he goes off to another area of the house and sits on his phone ignoring everything.
He literally does not seem to stop complaining. Ever.
I’m so tired and bored of it all.
He never used to be this bad.
I miss the man i fell in love with.
I even miss the man i was reminded of when he had begun the recovery process.
All i see is a rude, dysfunctional complainer waiting to tell me how bad his life is because of other people.
Take some personal responsibility ffs. Please!!!!!
He even wrecked my 24yr old daughter’s birthday being argumentative and rude….. then complained in bed that i wasn’t being very loving. I was trying not to lose my shit tbh. A blazing row won’t help anyone.
I feel all my energy goes into negotiating his moods.
I am close to walking away as all that circles round in my head endlessly is… what’s the bloody point???
My strongest advice to anyone is get out of shit relationships early doors. Dont hang about putting yourself through the mill, trying to be nice, hoping it will change. It generally doesn’t. Even if no drugs are involved.
It’s always hard but it is better than ending up like me. Wishing things were different and kind of stuck in a web of family life and mortgages.
15 years of marriage that feels like a bloody sham.
i don’t want to break the kids homes up. But they’re growing up fast. Littlest is 12 now…. freedom is coming for me even if i sit and do nothing.
Addiction wrecks everything.