Hi Emma123, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post, your words really gave me comfort. I read your post and am so sorry about what you had to go through. You had it way harder than me, and I really admire your courage and strength to walk away, great for you! I know I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away if he hadn’t left me (I guess I’m one of the luckier ones). I don’t even have the courage to confront him – I had seen weird messages on his phone but I don’t know if I can bear hearing from him that he has cheated on me. I don’t know if I ever will have the courage to ask him.
It really hurts so much, I have been trying to think when and where did it all started, when it all changed. When did the person I know and love just turned into someone so different, it felt like it all just changed in a day. How did I not know when he was using it recreationally for the past year or so? I am also wondering how is he managing to get through 8-hour work every single day without getting caught?
But honestly even after finding out that he’s been using every day, I can’t tell which ‘version’ of him is which. I know that when he was agitated and restless he’s probably craving, but when he was breaking up with me he looked so calm (even though he would keep drinking). Then most of the time he looks depressed. Which ‘version’ is under influence and which one is not? Does this differ from person to person as well?
I couldn’t agree more with you that this drug is hell on earth & turns good men in to the devil.
How are you doing now after the break up? If you don’t mind me asking, do you still keep in contact with your ex? It’s all still pretty fresh for me, and I don’t know what’s the next step for me, how to move on etc.. Past 4 years or so my life has been mostly him (I had moved to where he’s from to be closer to him and don’t have many friends here). He just ended it with me couple weeks ago, and I still have all his stuff in our apartment. I am not even ready to ask him to come pack up his stuff yet (hurts too much to see him). And I think he wouldn’t initiate contact unless he really needs something from here.
I would be lying if I said I don’t hang on to any hope anymore of getting back together. I keep praying that his rock bottom or light bulb moment would come very soon and then he will want to stop. Though realistically I know we don’t know how long that will take, and even when that happens, it’s still long road ahead to rebuild our trust and his recovery. I feel like some days I am accepting that the person I love is gone and come to terms that the future I have dreamed of us together is not going to happen anymore, but some days I’m still in denial. I will keep working on that and focus on myself though.
Hope you’re doing well xx