Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes I’ve read your posts and that’s what giving me some hope. You should be very proud of yourself, it’s clearly not an easy thing to overcome. You’ve really embraced your new outlook on life and it’s fantastic that you’re sharing your experience to help others.
I know he doesn’t want this to be his life and he just wants to feel normal too but at the moment the beast is definitely winning. He is bored with everything unless it involves coke but he’s not stupid. He knows very well that the cocaine has caused this in the first place. He knows that if he gives it up he will start to enjoy other things that life has to offer. He knows this, we’ve spoken about it.
I’ve told him I’m done now and looking for somewhere else to live. He’s now trying really hard but he knows that without me it, if he has to pay all the bills and buy food etc, he won’t be able to afford his habit. It’s not because he loves me and can’t bear to lose me. It’s certainly not because he’s ready to quit. At the moment I’m making it too easy for him to carry on, he doesn’t want to give that up.
He’s making sure he’s not doing as much so it’s harder for me to see the signs. He’s coming to bed at night. He’s pretending to be interested in my day when he was quite visibly bored of everything I said before. It’s all fake though. I can read him like a book, he thinks he’s getting away with it but he’s obviously still on it. He won’t be able to keep this control up for very long though. He will get too out of his face, he will get too angry when he runs out.
I’ve threatened to leave so many times but I couldn’t bear to just end our relationship, I love him so much. However, now that I think leaving might actually help him, not just me, I think its the right thing to do.