Reply to: Struggling To Forgive……
It’s not your husband’s cocaine or alcohol mis-use, it is the fact he kept it a secret and told lies. This is just another reminder for you to question the future of your marriage/partnership.
Staying sober and drug free are two important commitments you ask of your husband, yet he sadly fails to achieve these goals – leaving you feeling disappointed in him.
You worry about him because you care and want this marriage to work but unfortunately, this is a two-way agreement that needs to be fulfilled by him as well.
Although your husband admitted to his addictions and decided to seek help, it remains questionable that he will commit to this.
Your husband hasn’t really grown up. This may come as just a simple comment which can be said about a lot of people. However. This could be the heart of the problem for you both.
It seems your husband’s addictions are not about the cocaine or alcohol as substances to sate his cravings but are a part of his desperate need to feel that someone is looking after him.
It seems that your husband has this secret desire to be ‘found out’ by you, as if he still wants to be that naughty or rebellious teenager.
Your husband needs a ‘mother’ and you are always there for him. At times, you’ll throw him out of the house – leaving him to take refuge at his parent’s home. His ‘parenting’ needs are met, until he returns home to you when all is forgiven. You return to your role as ‘parent’.
It’s possible from what you have written in the past – you are more likely to be his carer than what his parents were. He perhaps relates more to his parents previous way of life (such as their free-spirited lifestyle that included alcohol) than to your mature outlook on life. You are more responsible as an adult and this perhaps conflicts with your husbands way of seeing life.
He likes to think his parents will always be there for him, come what may. However. Deep down, he knows there will be a time when they won’t be there to look after him.
One of the reasons he feels regretful when he relapses? He genuinely knows that his parents will not be too keen to take care of him, should his addictions move on to a more advanced stage or damage his health…..Something he really needs to seriously consider and discuss in therapy himself…..
The imperative for him to be ‘lovable’ comes when he reaches out for your forgiveness. He knows the important role you play in his life – and he understands what it means to have you in his life.
You need to consider yourself because it’s a situation that is causing you much heartache.
When you look after your husband, he feels safe – with the drug, alcohol mis-use, all of the lying and hiding re-enforces this need. The knowledge (by you) of his lying forms a part of this need as well.
Even at counselling, there could be selective discussion – again like a child when they manipulate their teacher – which he’ll discuss what he want’s to.
When you ask about the session, he’ll just shrug his shoulders and tell you it ‘went OK’.
Although you are not sure about the commitment, there may be some benefit to engage in ‘couples’ counselling.
It’ll give you an opportunity to learn more because you’ll be in the same room to listen and partake in the discussion.
This may be a time for you to be honest with each other – in front of the counsellor – and more importantly, a good time to address your husband’s lack of responsibility.
Ask yourself if you want to stay married to a man you don’t trust as you know he’ll behave like this again – unless he seriously wants to grow up.
There’s also regard to how you feel about all of this and your marriage. There is the possibility that maybe, your relationship has ‘run it’s course’ – in particular since you both got married, as marriage can be a symbol representing the process of growing up, being an adult and taking responsibility.
For you, the marriage was an event in your life which you were ready to embrace to the full, yet your husband will have possibly found overwhelming.
In fairness. For all you know, from now on your husband may be seriously thinking about the future and decided he really wants to change and commit to this relationship.
One option could be to accept your husband’s lovable behaviour for the time being and see how things go from here. You may feel a little more positive about him and the marriage, then decide it’s worth continuing.
On the other hand, the same situation could arise again pretty soon, leaving you to feel that you’ve had enough….Perhaps that will be the time to send your husband home to live with parents….While you take care of yourself.