Some tools that might help you at this stage :
The cycle of abuse wheel
FOG – fear , obligation, guilt
The two tools above might help you understand a bit more about the behaviours and feelings you are going through. They’ve definitely helped me..
If you search for them along with the term “abuse ” online they will easily be found.
I also started keeping a journal.evrry day of how I’m feeling , how my day went etc… I realised I’m happier and relaxed on days that don’t involve him… Helps to relfect and give you that motivation needed to leave. Also helps when they try gaslight you a d deny certain events ever happened.
Do not store any of this where they can find it though, as they may escalate their manipulation/possibly be violent if they think they are losing their hold over you… I’m not trying to scare you…just sensing some red flags and want to make sure you are aware of the possible escalation that can happen especially when they are coming down off cocaine