This morning I’m reading all your posts as I seem to struggle more in the morning. Your posts are heartbreaking. So, sad what you and your children have had to endure. And, also your husband who has been taken over by cocaine. The cocaine is the bad guy. It truly is a horror story. The day to day of scary moments. I remember it and it still terrifies me, maybe because it can all come undone again in an instant. If he has a weak moment and decides to use it again. But, he hasn’t. This is the time for New Year’s resolutions. For me, I want to be in a better place mentally with this. I have taken a difficult look at myself for how I’ve dealt with his addiction through the years. I tried so hard to protect myself and our kids. I didn’t know what was wrong and thought he would eventually just tell me all those years ago. He was so awful, the bad moods and verbal abuse. The lonely and isolated feelings. And, protecting myself involved me pushing it all down and forcing myself to forget it all. Strange how the mind works. He quit the coke and I left the horrific memories behind and we found happiness again. Seems like a great plan, until it all just slams back at you unexpectedly. Now struggling so much from the memories and the what ifs. Somewhere along the way I apparently decided that I couldn’t live with the fear of it all, so I just wouldn’t and didn’t. Why can’t I just pack it all up again and put it away. I did that for years and I’ve been happy and I felt safe. I have all the reasons to be happy and feel safe. What do I need? I am struggling with this answer daily. I hope and pray that you and your family will also find your way to happiness and safety.
