Hi Lottie, I hope youre okay and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I felt the need to reply to this, mainly because I at one point behaved like your husband.
I was a cocaine addict and without going into to far into my personal relationship details, I used to blame my partner alot for use. Not entirely but for example, she would question me on something, I would kick off and say have I not proved to you I am trying to change, I’d say I needed to leave to calm down and go for a drive but infact i wanted to get out the house to have a nose. I’m not saying this is what your partner is doing but as an addict I found it hard to accept the 2 parts of me. Because withouty addiction, I considered myself a good person. Loving caring would do anything for anyone, so I had a hard time accepting I was doing wrong. Addiction is clever because it will cause you to manipulate the way you think and your outlook so to me, I was never the problem, “I want to stop but I can’t because she’s on my case all the time”. “If she would just stop questioning me or thinking I’m lying then we wouldn’t argue and I’d want to be at home and not out sniffing”.
The thing is, I took an amazing loving girl and through my lies, secretiveness and addiction I drove her insane, turned her into someone who was cold to me unable to believe anything I said and when I eventually came down from the high and was craving love and affection I couldn’t understand why she was so cold or angry or suspicious so I’d twist it around and blame her for not loving me or being there for me.
The truth is that addiction has nothing to do with anyone else other than the person using. It’s their own way of dealing with life and the choice they make. I’m not saying its an addicts fault they are addicted that isn’t the case at all but what I’m saying is that your husband’s use has absolutely nothing to do with you so please do not feel responsible.
My advice to you would be to withdraw yourself from the situation.
As hard as it is, try to emotionaly withdraw. Ask yourself are these people who are telling me to not raise my voice worried about your mental health and wellbeing considering all I’ve been out through?
Don’t allow yourself to be a scapegoat because believe me an addict will blame anyone other than themselves.
When I got clean the hardest thing I have had to face is trying to get my still ex (we are still very close but not actually together) partner to understand that all the things I did where never intended to hurt her. Trying to make her understand that I always loved her no matter how much my actions said the opposite. Although I stood there and said to her looking in her eyes that she was a massive contributing factor to my addicting that infact it never was anything she did at all.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I feel sick thinking of the hurt felt by partners of addicts.
Feel free to come back to me if you have any questions.
Sending love and strength
James x