My husband didn’t know about our miscarriage that happened decades ago until recently when we finally started to talk about the years he was using cocaine. Reading these messages helped me remember how he blamed me for so many things that went wrong, but not his drug use. I didn’t know what was happening with that until the day he quit, which was years after he started with it. This drug is so evil. It took years, all these years, for him to realize how incredibly awful he was on cocaine and how hard it was for him to quit. His behavior during those years has hit him hard and he is struggling with that now. Just like all those years ago, I can’t fix it and I am not the bad guy. One of the weird things now is that he will mention something that happened then and while he is talking about it, he realizes how his way of thinking about it then was wrong. I watch it move over his face. I have no words for him, so I will hug him. Years ago it didn’t happen like that. He was awful and I couldn’t figure out what or why. WTF is wrong with him? I thought and probably asked him if he was ok, but he never explained himself and he just didn’t make any sense so much of the time. I knew him and loved him for years before this drug crippled his head. I often wonder how he could have let any of it happen. He took the drug and it happened. That is the whole answer.
