This (his addiction) is not your fault. You can’t control it. The only thing you can control is yourself. If I had known what was happening and what was going to happen before pregnant with our first – I wouldn’t be with him now. So weird to feel this after loving him since I met him when I was a teenager. What he has put me through with this I wouldn’t want for anyone. Our oldest stopped by last night and we talked about the fun we had all those years ago. And I feel like I have a victory over the cocaine as I am proud of the way I did live during those years. I was scared and lonely with my husband during his cocaine years (I didn’t know what was happening to him until he quit). He was awful. I still found a way to be happy anyways. I realized recently that I still can’t tell him how much money I have. In my purse, in my bank account, in my retirement account – anywhere. I still can’t trust him with this information. It’s not something I’m proud of. It is a consequence of his behavior all those years ago. A choice I made for myself at that time. To take care of myself. To take care of our children.
