<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi mate, thank you for commenting and asking this. I must start by saying as I always do. I am not a professional and anything I say is just an opinion and I can’t tell you for sure what the truth Is but only offer my assumption and of course I do not know your partner so this will be solely based on my own personal experience.</p>
This is a really hard one to answer because there is so many variables to consider but this is actually very close to home so I’ll go with the assumption your partner felt similarly to myself.
As an addict although it can consume your entire life it’s important to know that the person is still in there somewhere. What I mean by that is that the person you loved still existed with all of his good morals and loving nature along side the addict part of himself that was destructive.
An addict will hold on to the part of themselves that is still “good” with everything they can because to admit to themselves how bad things have gotten can be terrifying.
The fact your partner admitted on a few occasions he relapsed means that he is fully aware that you know the situation and you are monitoring it. I had spells when I was really low and I wanted to tell my partner absolutely everything in the hope that it would in a way force recovery but then within 24 hours that would pass and I’d want to hide or down play the addiction as much as possible again in order to be able to continue.
Imagine you are him, he genuinely loves you. The “honest” part of him wants to be the man he promised you he would be and give you all the things he said he would just like the house / mortgage you mentioned and all the happy ending stuff we all aspire to. He knows he is capable of it but he just needs to keep himself off the gear so he can do that. It’s is a dream to him. An ideal. Something he longs for and really wants more than anything because to him that life with a nice house, no drugs etc would be amazing and free.
But the unfortunate truth is that it really isn’t that simple. The cravings start and that voice that starts so small begins to speak to him and tell him he wants to get on it. He may tell himself “only a little bit, I’ll still save x amount of money” or “I’ll do it tonight then don’t for the rest of the month” and there comes the addiction taking control of his ability to control himself and he gets on it. Once that starts all rationalisation goes out the window and he may find himself in the middle of a full blown relapse having spent all his money, having let you down and back to square one.
When the next day you ask him if everything is okay and he tells you it is and that it’s under control. They won’t be be lying to you. It’s actually him lying to himself trying to convince himself he can somehow make things okay Because the last thing he wants to do is let you down because he genuinely meant he wants to do these things with you and can’t bring himself to acknowledge that he has messed up again. The changes to his brain and way of thinking due to addiction won’t allow him to process the guilt and the shame because that would start to build a case for him to stop his habit and addiction once it has you will not want to let you go.
So I guess what I’m saying is, he more than likely wasn’t lying to you about his want and desire to commit to the mortgage and other life choices with you but as he didn’t have control of his addiction he was unable to fulfill his promises and that you may look like empty promises or lies.
Until he really has control of the addiction he will not be in a position to commit to anything because when the addiction is on control he really is not even in the pilot seat of his own mind and body. He will do things, say things and act in ways that he never would sober and that isn’t because he is a bad person or that he thinks it’s okay. It’s because he at times isn’t able to stop himself.
The sad thing is that after the binge or heavy night he will eventually wake up again and be himself and when he comes back around to reality he is left to deal with the destruction the addicted him has caused and it will always be easier to try and convince you he is okay than to admit things as the person who did those things isn’t the same man he believes he is. The addict him and the real him are so contrasting that he could never admit that he did those things.
I hope that make sense on some way and please feel free to ask more if I’ve not answered everything you want to know.
The last thing I would say and this is general advice if you are getting as serious as to buying houses together etc is to try and find the route of his addiction. The reason why he uses and how for him it tipped over from the fun recreational use to the dark side he know faces. You also need to draw a line in the sand at some point and safeguard yourself by taking a stance of “I need you to really try with recovery or I need to move on”.
You clearly love him and want to commit your life and future to him with this mortgage etc but If he isn’t able or willing to do what he needs to do his side then it will never end well for you and you could end up wasting years of your life or huge amounts of your money on someone who won’t put the effort in for you.
Right I think I’ve said everything I wanted to. Again let me know if you have more questions.
Stay strong. And sending both him and you love.
James x