Hi whiswalk, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I’m sorry for the loss of your son.
I’ll do my best to advice but as always I’m not a professional and I can only go on what I’ve been through with my own personal addiction but in your case I will actually base this response around someone I know who also suffers with cocaine addiction. This person is also adopted and by a fairly middle class wealthy family who before their son’s issues had no experience with cocaine addiction.
The reason I mention their wealth is because you said about your husband enabling him. I’m assuming you mean your son is able to convince your husband to give him money.
The fact you and your husband have adopted says to me that you are very loving and giving people. The reason you adopted I’m sure is because you ultimately wanted to give your son’s a good life. Being a giving person is a trait that will be deeply imbedded in a person and because of that, even though your husband may know deep down that giving him money is not the right thing to do. Being that kind of man he will find it hard to say no as he will pride himself on giving his son anything he needs. Your husband too, without experience of drugs may choose to block out the knowledge of the money is probably for drugs because he, to himself, is doing a good thing and helping his son. Accepting the idea it’s for drugs would almost be like accepting he “failed” as when he adopted a child he only had the intention of raising him on the way he sees as “right” and addiction was never part of that. Please let me tell you know, neither of your son’s addiction is your failing and is not on any way a reflection of the way you raised them or their upbringing with you. But knowing there is always a way to obtain money for cocaine takes away the obstacle that alot of addicts face due to the high cost of it and he may play on your husband’s generosity to feed his use.
There is many studies that state addiction can be hereditary and being adopted I’m not sure how much about their parents.
That being said I believe addiction is more to do with situation like I often say.
I myself am 31 so am a similar age to your son so I can hopefully ask some relevant questions.
Firstly, what are his friends like? Often drug use starts with friends around late teens to early 20s but can unfortunately in some cases escalate where a person either uses the drug in a way to self medicate issues they may have or sometime if can be as simple as they like using and want to use more and more.
Knowing if he is in a group of “lads” who get “on it” all the time will help to see if it’s a lifestyle thing or something deeper.
There is the possibility though the addiction is linked to masking emotions. The guy, lost his brother and that is something that anyone would struggle to deal with. There is also the adoption side of it. Of course it isn’t any of my business but does he know he is adopted? Does he know his blood parents? Does he know why he ended up in adoption? All of these things may be weighing heavily on his mind and using cocaine is often a way of escaping emotional pain.
My advise is to speak to your husband firstly, maybe even show him this post and some of my other posts and let your husband realise the damage drop feeding him money could be causing.
Talk to your son and again show him some of my posts where I talk about all the heart break it caused me because I’m probably just like him, same age, “about it” and there’s not much about “getting on it” I don’t know about.
Let him know that you will support him but not his addiction.
Ask him what kind of life he wants to live because it may not of happend to him yet but slowly and surely cocaine will take everything from you and the fact you are so heart broken is saying he is already destroying your relationship with him.
I’m sure he is a great guy and please understand the way he treats your husband is more than likely the addiction and not him.
Ask him if he would be interested in attending CA as they have meetings locally all over the country and are the best thing he could ever do to start recovery.
Stay strong and feel free to ask my anything else I may have missed.
James x