Hi Smith100,
This sounds like a very hard situation to be in and with two children to care for in the mix it makes it even harder. I’m sorry you are having to go through this experience its horrible.
Well i know from my own personal experience being with a cocaine user/addict it is a journey that unfortunately has many tough times. But it is a very personal experience and no one can tell you what is right or wrong as it is you that has to live with your own choices.
But reflecting on what you have said I first wondered by saying he could have a budget to spend on cocaine, are you suggesting that you don’t mind him doing it? Would you be happy to stay with him if he continued to use cocaine?
My own experience has shown me over the last 18 months that before you can even get your partner to acknowledge your upset or feelings in all this you have to know what your expectations are of them. Where your boundaries are and what you are happy to accept and what you aren’t.
I never put boundaries in for my partner as I wanted so badly to stay a family with our two children and live in our lovely home in a lovely area. So I almost turned a blind eye (without realising it) to facing the ultimatums or installing the boundaries as I was scared what would happen if he didn’t do the right thing. I went against my own morals and thoughts on what was right and wrong to make excuses for him. I kept it a secret from family and friends to help him not be judged or pressured. I carried it all on my shoulders.
But it didn’t work and the worse times still happened and now I realise the minute I knew he was taking cocaine I should have put my boundaries in then. Instead I wanted to help him because I loved him so I got him to the GP, couples counselling, rehab centres, psychologists. I listened and listened I took the upset the angry and carried on. Now I realise I shouldn’t have and that no one should make you sacrifice your happiest to try and save theirs. Plus when he knew I knew and nothing changed he still used drugs and carried on living in our home etc there was no consequences for his actions or reasons to why he should stop so the problem got worse until I changed the locks and asked him to leave if he didn’t stop taking cocaine.
I worry from what you have said that you only know the surface of what is going on with your husband. It sounds like there’s a lot he’s not telling you and he is probably addicted to it by the amount he’s used but like my partner he always says as he doesn’t use it everyday so he’s not an addict. Even though over the last 2 years he spent 150k on it and escorts. As the months go on I’m finding out more from loans and individual accounts.
For me I have now got to a point that I have decided to leave him and sell our family home so we can both go our separate ways. I will still be there for him but I can’t be on this constant rollercoaster anymore with him in complete control. It has taken me 18 months to get here and I literally have tried everything, crying, shouting, begging to get him to see sense but I’ve now accepted it has got to come from him and no matter what I say or do will make a difference. He is still very much in denial and even after taking an overdose over a week ago he still thinks it’s not a problem as he had 10 days off from it.
I guess what I would recommend to you is maybe write down some boundaries of what you expect from him as a partner and father. So you know how far you are going to allow this to go. Because drugs can cause them to become a great manipulator in situations and you need to be clear what you will accept. Also I would stop looking at this from what he needs but from what your children need. The minute I changed the focus from how to help him to how I could help my children I felt stronger. As you have to safeguard them in all this emotionally and physically as the mood swings from your partner could cause them to feel unsettled. Since my partner left my children of course miss him but they are a lot more settled and calmer. They see him when he’s not on drugs and I will always encourage that.
For us my partner use to have occasional episodes of great paranoia and hallucinations thinking men were in the garden or work men outside etc. So I got to the point where I would feel scared to have him sleep in the house.
I know our experience is different in many ways but I think it could really save you alot of heartache if you try to change the focus from him to you and the children. As what he is doing lying, spending money and taking drugs behind your back shows a complete lack of respect for you and your family. Unless he has a consequence to his actions it will just enable him to continue and you unfortunately to suffer more.
I hope if you do have a conversation with him you can be clear and strong on what you want and deserve from your relationship. I use to always say to my partner I will help you access support so you can go into recovery and I will support you 100% with this but I won’t support you taking cocaine anymore. I hope your husband realises what he is doing to you and the children before it gets worse.
Let me know how you get on, take care of yourself in the mean time whatever you choose to do I hope my advice has helped alittle even if it was just to show you another option.
Take care x