I’ve been in love with my addict for almost 50 years. I want answers too Ahurtwife, but will I ever get all of them? I have more answers than I ever have had, but he still hasn’t given what I feel is the full story. Most of what I do know – he has told me. I am traumatized by the memories, and even mad that I am having to look at this again after all these years. Yes, I love him – I always have. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. No matter what decision you will make about this S_ _ _ _, it doesn’t change. You will still love him and the S_ _ _ _ will still be there. So, how do you make it better for yourself? Hell if I know. So, tonight I”m in our extra room, which has become my ‘sanctuary’. I can come in here lock the door, and look for some peace to settle my soul. The large window to the back lot offers a beautiful view of the evening sky. (He is sleeping in our bedroom down the hall.) I’ve been all in all these years, but he hasn’t. Why not? Because one moment ago – decades ago, he thought cocaine was a good idea. Should he get eternal damnation for that? No. Of course not. So, then why does it still feel so huge sometimes? I don’t know. Maybe it is supposed to. Maybe if it wasn’t this, it would be something else to torture our souls. None of any of it matters right now. I’m settling in to the view and feeling blessed that I have this spot here to calm myself and be thankful that we have made it through the worst and we’re both still here – together and apart at the same time.
