Hi mate,
I agree with paw in as much as you don’t need to feel guilty for the way you now feel when certain things happen.
Like already said, you have been through the trauma of being with someone battling addiction.
The most amazing thing I see here is that you are acknowledging his positive behaviours, and for his recovery that will be vital.
The lines (excuse the pun) are blurred though with the fact he went out to do a few lines but it’s not my place to judge on the agreement you guys have on what is acceptable in your relationship and if you can accept him doing a few lines every now and then and in a way where he still functions then that’s up to you. But the issue is that with you knowing openly he still gets on it a little it gives you a logical reason to suspect he could be taking it further.
I think here communication is key. I feel like you need to be honest with yourself about if you really are okay with him using at all and I know you don’t want to lose him but this is clearly effecting you.
If you are then you need to let him know how your brain works. You need to say to him “I’m still worried about you slipping back into heavier use so I may need extra reassurance when you’re not on it”. Let him know that things like not messaging and leaving the house still make you assume the worst but speaking about it openly means it shouldn’t get to the point you’re having to kick off.
I do however overall feel that you’re playing a dangerous game where you don’t like him using but allow him to do a little.
This seems like it will go round and round forever as you will never know for sure if he is on it or not.
I guess what I’m saying it be honest with eachother about what you really want out of this. Are you willing to put up with him using and is he prepared to stop completely of that’s what you want in your relationship.
Sorry I feel that probably isn’t much help but I hope it makes some sort of sense
Take care
James x