paw_x , I am so glad to hear from you. I was reading your story yesterday and how your partner has been sticking to his sobriety and is desperate to come home! Good for you for staying strong and loving him at a distance, but I am also really happy for you that he has been sticking to sobriety and is also adamant that he still wants to be in your lives.
I keep thinking to myself… if he had lasted a little longer sober, I could have probably and would have probably stuck by him. Stayed in the home, knowing the cycle would break at some point. Knowing he would relapse. All I wanted was some evidence of him trying to get his act right, and yet I just feel like he’s dipped at the first hurdle. He went to one session and dipped, a few weeks back now. I feel like he’s not even TRIED to get better. That’s what has hurt me so much this time. I think also his cold nature, not even stopping me from leaving. I am glad that I did go, only because I wanted him to face the consequences of his actions. But I can’t help but feel heartbroken that he didn’t even try to stop me. I feel like these last two years I have just felt like I’m not good enough, and now I feel like my son isn’t enough in his eyes either 🙁
I totally hear what you’re saying in regard to his mum. She’s just looking out for her son. Like you say though, why not the same respect for her grandson? She knows I find it really hard to be at my parents house because of my dads drinking. She even threw it in my face when we argued about how I managed to stick by my dad still despite his drinking. Thing is though, I didn’t choose to stick by my dad. I still love my dad from a distance. We share the same home, but share few words. I do love my dad, but I’m still reeling from the pain he’s caused and continues to cause my family, especially my mum. I am now in my mums shoes in the story of my partners coke addiction. My son is now in my shoes. I know if we continue this cycle for the next 25 years, he’s going to have that resentment towards his dad like I do with mine. Knowing my mum deserved better. It’s easier to stand by an addict that’s a parent, than a romantic partner. As the romantic partner of an addict, you really see it all. You hide most of the bad from everyone, and those that see the bad, you’re trying to convince them that the addict you love is really good. But it eats away.
I haven’t heard anything from any of his family, although we were supposed to be talking about child maintenance today. (Their idea, not mine). It’s all gone quiet on that front. For them to not even ask how my son is doing, I find bizarre and upsetting. My partner (well, ex) hasn’t even attempted to reach out through his mum to make sure his boy is ok. I guess they figure that I’ll be taking good enough care of him. It still hurts though, I’d be asking everyday if my son is ok personally.
I don’t know whether it’s my fault for having him blocked or what… but it’s not like he doesn’t know where we live, it’s not like he can’t go through his mum to check. It’s just soooo cold, and makes my heart ache for both my son and myself. I’m starting to think if the good person I thought he was, was just a facade. Was it all an act? Is he actually a narcissist? I know for some people the latter is ultimately true. With my ex though, I don’t think it is. He’s just let this illness bury itself in his body. I know he’s sick, but he’s allowed for the sickness to take over his former self. I wish I had even just a smidgen of love from him again.
truth be told, after reading how many people discovered their addict partners resorted to prostitutes, I’m starting to think maybe my ex did too. It’s been playing on my mind today how he said he had used brothels before we got together. I can’t believe that didn’t raise alarm bells in my head, at the time I was just thankful for his honesty. Now, I just think I am an idiot! He’s likely been using them since the relationship too when on the coke, especially when he worked away. I can’t be sure, I know he won’t admit it, heck he hasn’t even admitted to half the things I have evidence for! But there was definitely a reason my midwives kept making me take STI/STD tests. Thankfully they came back negative. But jeez… why is his real self stuck inside that demon he’s become? I feel like it’s being amongst the living dead, he has a demon called cocaine that’s taken over his body, and slowly but surely the real him is dying a little each time. I will always love him, I really will. I know I must sound young and dumb at 25, but I think you know when you’ve met the love of your life. He definitely is mine. It’s just sad that the story only has one way out. Xx