Thanks for ur reply Fayzey I get exactly what u mean about not knowing what to believe and what was real and not real, you have really been through it haven’t you and are being really strong 🙂
No we haven’t had second opinion. he’s lied to them saying he’s clean, he missed assessment appointment for mental health team and has another appointment on Saturday morning with out of hours Gp to get another referral to MH team which he will probably miss due to being off his nut again!
I’ve explained to him That if he’s not clean they don’t get a true picture of what his mental health issues are. He also knows he may get a higher disability payment by doing this and I feel that’s the main incentive. He was working but lost job a month ago due to missing days off due to drugs.
he had self referred to a drug service but didn’t engage and keeps promising to go back to CA and doesn’t. Went to a couple and didn’t carry on. we go around and around in circles. He comes home a mess saying he’s done with drugs and it starts a few days later
<p style=”text-align: center;”>he’s currently missing on one of his benders left yesterday afternoon telling me he’s going to prove to me he can meet a friend without going missin and using drugs which we both know is crap and he’s done it again. I feel manipulated. it makes me so worried he’s going to overdose and paranoid he’s cheating and just pure angry and hurt. He said it’s just drugs and he uses as a release from the pain he’s feeling and then feels guilty so avoids me and carries on. I tell him just check in with me please. I cry everytime he goes out now as I’m so triggered by what’s coming next. We had just come back from a lovely little break that we also got there a day late to due to him bein too intoxicated to drive after being on one for 3 days.
his mum and brother died of overdose in last year 2 yesrs , he’s done bereavement counselling which I’m proud of him for but no point while he’s not clean more than a few days and he’s also not feeling his feelings properly yet as he’s understandably in shock and numb from drugs. He had a drug problem before this though which he doesn’t like to admit so much. His children’s mum has told me all about what his addiction did to her. I’ve been recently told by a mutual friend he’s been also smoking crack with them too.</p>
in terms of his behaviour standard bpd male behaviour which makes sense due to his childhood. He can shut his empathy off and go into complete black and white thinking when he feels attacked and paranoid and then lash out and almost punish me by his warped idea that I was trying to do him over type of thing and then a narcissist type overlay with it. Abandonment issues, neediness , double standards, lack of full accountability at times etc takes days to apologise
when he’s not triggered he’s loving and Caring and great company but the problem is I’m so resentful now due to the disappearing and lies it takes days for our relationship to get on a positive foot after for the rubbish to just start over again.
I’m honestly absolutely livid and at my wits end and am running out of patience and empathy for all of it, I’ve tried everything to help when he’s asked, found him a recovery rehab place he stayed at for 6 weeks , paid for private addiction help, alsorts, support us financially to cover costs from missing work and money wasted on drugs, my health is suffering and exacerbating my pre existing conditions and I’m trying to hold down my job.
I keep telling him to be honest he doesn’t want to be clean and he insists he does
I know I should kick him out, I’m very close to it when he finally reappears this time .
sorry for the long message. Am overwhelmed.
xxx