Hi Megan,
This is awful. Please, get away from this man. What you’re describing is a horrible, abusive, toxic as hell relationship. This is not love. You do not have to live like this.
He clearly has issues with alcohol and despite that, you’ve been there for him. You tried, he didn’t. You made a mistake because you’re human and have been dealing with this while he’s made no effort to change. And rather than show you that he loves you and wants to be with you, he’s chosen to belittle you and make you feel worthless. That is truly horrible and you need to get away from this. He’s telling people you’re the monster as it’s easier for him to ruin your reputation than to confront the monster looking back at him in the mirror.
I understand it’s hard to walk away as you’ll think back to the times that he wasn’t like this, times you were happy. But think of how long ago those times were – it doesn’t sound like he’s still that man anymore. If you keep subjecting yourself to his abuse, you won’t recognise yourself as you’ll have sacrificed everything for him while he destroys you.
Take some time for you. Focus on things you like doing, treating yourself well, seeing your friends (and confiding in them about this, you need their support, it’ll lift a weight off your shoulders I swear), self care, getting yourself healthy. You only get one life, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected and to feel loved.
My man is also an addict (cocaine) and I’m supporting him, from a distance as his recovery is the priority and my recovery from this trauma is too. But if I was being abused or felt belittled or even spoken down to at any point, I’d be running for the hills. Dealing with this is hard enough on your mindset and I spent long enough sacrificing my happiness for his during his addiction. What your man is doing to you is truly dangerous for your mental health and self esteem.
You are worth so much more x