Exactly – you need to start changing the power dynamic around. You control your life, and he controls his. It’s too much to expect you to be fully in the recovery process with him, as this isn’t your problem, it’s his. And from what I’m told, if he has any chance at success, he’ll need to immerse himself in recovery. So he should be busy enough with that that and in the meantime you try and find yourself again. For me it was as simple as little things like reading books, doing some self care like skincare, going to the gym to de-stress, and just making an effort to look after myself. Which sounds silly but when you’ve been with an addict for a while, you don’t even realise how much you’ve lost yourself trying to take care of them.
I also limit my time around him as I’m still angry at what he did to us and our family. And that’s not helpful to his recovery, but sometimes he needs to hear it. There’s no way I would want him here all the time while I feel like this. It wouldn’t help either of us. Mines isn’t perfect in recovery – he’s at times prioritised his new recovery friends over all his existing family, and at the moment I don’t want him home. I don’t miss him here, being honest. He can be selfish and a burden in the household, and if we ever make it, he’ll need to change a lot. These are all things I realised after he left, as it gives you time to think and process things with a clear head.
I know the Famanon ladies have said similar things to you there, they really helped me deal with this and let go of wanting to have control, as you realise you have none. If he changes, great, but your mental health and your life matters, never sacrifice it for him. You deserve to be happy, with or without him x