Kelsbels, I can empathise with you. I really can. I totally understand what it feels like to see someone hurting themselves with addiction, just by the nature of what chaos drug addiction seems to bring to their life. At times I even wanted to switch places with my ex, so I could fight it for him. The days he’d want to give up we’re counterbalanced with the days that he really enjoyed using the crack, and it’s that enjoyment added with his brain being chemically programmed to need it, that kept the addiction alive. Ultimately, for my ex, his addiction was the same as me eating a chocolate bar. The sugar isn’t good for me, it’ll probably go to my hips, but I really want to eat it and no one can stop me. Because I want it and I’m going to enjoy it. Most of the time, that’s how my boyfriend felt toward it all. – one of the reasons why I gave up in encouraging him to not buy crack. Any lifestyle change had to be on him.
As I said, my ex was using so so much that he was an incredibly unpleasant guy, hurting everyone and everything in his path, struggling to feed, clothe, home and even get himself around. He knew he was going to prison, he didn’t have the finances to keep his addiction alive in there, so he let his brain clear. For 3 months now he hasn’t used drugs, he’s acknowledged how crazy his use was and how crazy his life became as a result. He’s happy he’s clean now, but he also thinks this clean version of himself is boring.
i think having counselling is a really healthy way to understand your feelings in a safe and guided way. I really hope you continue to see positive results with that, for you.
As you’ve changed your number, it sounds like you’re ready for him to not be in your life. I know it’s hard, it’s frustrating to think of what could’ve been. I did the very same myself, but I realised, there’s the life I know is possible (we even had a taste of it now and again), but then there’s the reality.
if you want to continue to create some space, I really hope your ex is respectful enough to do that.
Hang in there Kelsbels, I think you’re doing so so well. I know how hard it is. Sending you loads of love and support x