As Wynter said,DO NOT beat yourself up at all,horror pills they are! We all started taking with the best of interest. Pain relief!
You really are going on a roller coaster, everything you will feel is normal,the THOUGHTS, are just that.THOUGHTS! You are going to be emotional an feel out of your mind,all normal UNFORTUNATELY.
But it really will get better,it WILL! As Wynter says,one hour at a time,or day whichever suits yourself really.
You sound like you want to be free of them,sending lots of positive vibes your way!! Talk with your partner,he can reassure you!
Stay strong all ???????? ????????