I wish I could answer for you all of those questions but the truth is even knowing the answers, may not put to rest your pain.
I myself am a recovering addict and have at times been quite active on here trying my best to use what I went through to try in addiction and how it effected my relationship in some kind of positive way.
I couldn’t not reply to your post because you should never feel any of the things you said due to the pain inflicted on you by someone else’s actions or addictions.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to almost back the people who have been addicted and often explained that in some cases, like mine, addiction wasn’t ever something I chose and tragic events led to me falling into a dark place. That being said, when I was using I lied, I manipulated and I was a horrible person but those actions where not carried out by my true self, they where the actions of a hollow man, weak and gripped by an all consuming addiction. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take accountability for those actions though and a guy on here Kulstar once replied to one of my posts with a comment that really put that into perspective and I’m very grateful for that.
What I want to tell you is this. I dont know the person who hurt you. I don’t know their story and their struggles that led to addiction but regardless it is not okay that you have been hurt.
You are not half the woman you was you are infact stronger, a survivor. You may not feel like one but the fact you are out the other side shows you are. People who have never been in a relationship with an addict will never understand the mental drain that comes along with loving an addict and alot of people would not be able to even try, you clearly have and that speaks volumes about the person you must be.
The person you once loved, who caused you this heartache may or may not be a good soul trapped in an illness but for now I want you to know that what ever you did for them and the support you gave them up until you had to walk away would have been invaluable. But now is the time for you to be the oppersite of what you have been and be selfish. Focus on your needs, your happiness, your laughter and know that you are enough. Hold.your head high and know that you did your best for them.
I promise you happiness is out there and I promise you that the universe will bring light into your life.
If you allow yourself to be broken by what’s happend then addiction has won and you’re better than that. From right now detach yourself from the hurt of what you have been through and chase the life you deserve.
Send strength and love
James x