Thanks for your posts Ceelen. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to put into words as eloquently as you how I feel about the whole thing but I agree with everything you say.
I haven’t left my partner but he no longer lives at home to give us space. That’s been since March but I’m still struggling with the anger. The main thing I can’t wrap my head around is how, if it’s not a choice (I’m told it’s a disease and that after the first time it was game over for him), how is recovery ever possible? If it takes as little as that first one, how can he, or I with him, ever live a normal life, if we lose everything any time he slips and has that first one and has “no choice” but to become a full blown addict again for a year – all the while lying to me while I asked him again and again if he was okay.
I am really struggling to get over it. He told me he wasn’t strong enough to say no and that the addict voice kept telling him he was fixing it – we were buying a house and he knew he was putting me and my daughter in an unstable position but he continued. If there was no choice involved, how can I know for sure he won’t do this to us in a few years time?
We planned on having a child of our own and I’m 36 so I don’t have long left for that – so part of me is also grieving the fact I’ll likely never get that chance as he took that choice from me. I didn’t choose to buy a house with an addict who would lose their job and self destruct. I also constantly reminded him I’m from a working class family and I don’t have a safety net if it goes wrong, while he did things with total impunity as his Mum would cover the mortgage, & sent him thousands of pounds to cover what we needed for the new house when he confessed to what he did just before we moved in. Even now, I’m riddled with debt as I had to credit card most things on move in – but he’s in recovery, with money in his pocket, and his Mum’s agreed to pay off a chunk of his credit card debt. Which won’t have been for furniture, or the house, it will have been for cash withdrawals that went up his nose. I don’t have a Mum to pay for me even though my debt isn’t my fault, but in a few months he’ll be back to being on top financially while I struggle along as a victim of his financial abuse.
I just don’t know how anyone gets through this anger x