If nothing else. I hear every word you’ve said. And you are right. My situation was incredibly similar to your own.
If I can offer one piece of advice, don’t have a baby with him. I adore my daughter, she is my whole world, along with my elder son who is not my ex partners. She is the miracle I never even realised I needed. If I had to go back and make the selfish choice, I would do the same all over again. But it would be selfish. She came into a life that has a chaotic, irresponsible, selfish parent. Even as I type this, she is gently sobbing herself to sleep as she misses her dad. All I can do is hold her and reassure her that I am solidly, without question here for her. I will never be able to explain to her how a ‘disease’ stopped her Daddy from being around. She will never understand how a ‘disease’ took our financial stability, isolated us from friends and family, made us nervous, made us walk on egg shells. How do you explain to a three year old who is crying herself to sleep that Daddy couldn’t ‘get better’ for us, but less than two months later ‘got better’ for another woman and her children. How does a three year old begin to understand why her mum won’t have her father’s mother anywhere near her either, because they used mummy as a scapegoat for Daddy’s addictions? Rather than defending Mummy, the further enabled the abuse, the lies the addiction. How does my nine year old explain to his sister why he is not sad that the only father he has ever known has moved out, moved on and spends so little time with them? My nine year old lived eight years of his ‘Father’s’ ‘disease’. My nine year old begged me last week not to have a glass of wine. How do I explain to both children that money is tight to the point of non existence, still paying off the debt of keeping us all afloat, paying a solicitor to keep us safe, while every penny Daddy had was ground into a powder and sniffed. Daddy’s parents paid for the private rehab, gave him money for drugs, paid his debts, when he stole a family members car, gave the victim their car as a replacement,on top of the insurance money- and paid the court fine for the multitude of offences and convictions. They still pay for a solicitor to drag me through the court to ensure he still has access to the children. How do I listen when they compare our life to his, our teeny mid terrace to their 4 bedroom house in the country?
I wish I had more answers for you, but all I have is questions of my own. On a good day I can be rational and say that yes, addiction is a disease. On a bad day I want to scream how ludicrously crap that is. A person with a disease does everything they can, for as long as they can, as hard as they can to stay with their family and loved ones. An addict continues on their path with no thought whatsoever to their loved ones. A person with cancer wouldn’t tell you that you were crazy if you told them they had cancer. A person with COPD wouldn’t steal your car and try to justify it by saying it wasn’t their fault because they have COPD. A neurodivergent person still has to be accountable for their actions. A person with epilepsy wouldn’t be able to steal money and be able to blame their condition. I suffered extremely serious mental health issues- no-one told me it was okay to give up parenting for twelve months and put myself above all things. I see addiction as it is. ADDICTION. I see recovery as a monumental achievement. I see the excuses, the justification, the self-absolving of all sins and guilt as a horrific injustice to those of us who never chose to have our lives ruined. One day I dream of going to recovery meetings and telling some of my stories.
Please don’t have a baby with him. Grieve for the future you had planned and hoped for, but don’t have a baby with him. You will tie yourself to his wagon for the rest of your life. And worse, you’ll tie the child too. You also need to get your daughter out of that situation. Ring Womens Aid tomorrow. Get advice about the debt, the house, how to move forward and how to escape. While he is in rehab, take every single step you can to prevent him coming back into your life. Tell his mother he will not be returning home, take his things to her house. While he is not there with you convincing you of a future that won’t happen, take back the future you deserve. Leaving an addict after they got sober was the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but by giving up him, I also gave up his ‘disease’ and that disease nearly cost me everything. I wasn’t hanging around to see if he could say ‘no’ next time thus destroying the very little the kids and I had left.