Hi Poppy,
No you aren’t being unreasonable. He is being unreasonable. These are huge red flags that he isn’t being honest about his recovery. What kind of man – who is unemployed and not currently providing for his family – would even ask why you need access to the money coming in? What does he think pays the bills? This screams that he is using heavily and not thinking of anyone but himself.
When my partner first relapsed after 3 years of sobriety I was devastated and looked up what to do online and the advice was to support him, that he would feel bad enough so don’t make it worse, etc. I did that and less than a year later, he had ruined both our lives, spent thousands of our savings that we needed for our new home, lost his job, attempted suicide twice, and has ended up in court. The only real attempts at recovery he made was after I kicked him out, after he lost everything, when his mind could no longer convince him that it was okay, nothing was wrong, he could keep doing what he was doing. I had to completely detach myself from him to protect myself, my job, my life and my sanity from this chaos. It’s been the best thing for him and for me, because he’s now in recovery, and I have managed to find some of my own peace with us being apart so that I can heal from this trauma in time.
He needs to understand how serious this is. He’s already getting you into financial bother and that will continue. The problem is unless he’s ready to change, he won’t do a thing. It’s absolutely insane but for me, he didn’t get how serious it was until he lost everything. It’s like the denial voice is so strong they keep going until they physically can’t pretend anymore that there isn’t a problem. I wish there was another way but there wasn’t. There are ladies on forums who have lost their homes because of their partners.
If he doesn’t get that this is a problem, you need to decide whether you want to be there for the downfall. If you do, keep all your money separate and make sure you survive. He should be at meetings every single day, no excuses. The work money should be kept somewhere he can’t access it. If he won’t do those things for you, for your family, I’d be questioning why I’m sticking around. My partners been out the house since March, is in recovery, and working and doing well. I’ve continued to protect myself and will keep doing so until and if I’m ready to have him back. You need to put yourself first, as there is no way that he will right now.
Good luck and stay strong x