Hi M
My last so called hurrah involved me staying away in 3 different hotels over a 5 day period. I missed my sons first football match which I’ll forever be kicking myself for. Ironically I’m now the coach of the team and have been since recovery. For me it was the time away from my lovely family which absolutely done for me. I’d always hid under the cover that no matter what my addiction to cocaine, the kids got to go to all their clubs which I would take them too (often under the influence although as an addict you couldn’t clearly look at me and say that I was on it, maybe people could tell but just didn’t want to say, I’m not sure).
My turning point was my sons first football match, it was a glorious February 2022 sunny afternoon and instead of being there, I was into a 72 hr binge in a hotel on my own, drinking whiskey and sniffing gear watching porn and listening to songs (not at the same time I hastened to add!). I knew I deserved better. Yes, my kids deserved better but the real turning point was that I knew I had become someone unrecognisable to my core DNA of being a loving Dad, Husband, Son, Brother etc.
It often takes certain life events which have consequences to enable the change. If I was ever to go back their again, the society around me would know far too quickly of my missing presence. I’ve built a completely different life in that the time I had before for sniffing, getting high and being able to hide even in plain sight simply isn’t there anymore. There is no space for it. I live quite a regimental life now with the kids football, early nights, gym etc that the moment this slides out of kilter my loved ones would rightly know about it. When people recover or abstain they often still think about their previous life which is what pulls them back. They think they’re missing out on something however the key is to work on yourself during abstinence so you have far more coping mechanisms and your kitbag is strong to resist the trap of going back down that hole again. It never served any purpose.
My empathy had been shut off completely, the moment it would return a sense of guilt would rush over and given my core DNA of being a loving hubbie, father etc. I would shut this down by sniffing and drinking more to numb these powerful emotions.
The apology is a great sign, it’s a step towards acceptance. This acceptance needs to be unequivocal and without any terms and conditions. Yes I did it and I’m sorry BUT. There can be no BUT. No rhyme or reason can be provided. People go through such hardships in their lives but don’t resort to coke or alcohol to suppress their emotions. The coldness you talk of is the drugs suppressing any emotion. Him being callous to you is easier than to accept what he has become, a classic diversion to make himself better by making you feel you don’t care.
I was lucky in that after my last hurrah I only wanted to be home, my wife forced me to stay away at my parents house around the corner but I refused. I knew my time had come and that I wanted to recover around my loved ones.
This will be hard to hear, you say he’s let you down a number of times. Key thing is what makes it different this time? Does it feel different, what different actions is he going to take? If he’s on this merry go round that you’ll always be there then it feels safe for him to repeat the cycle.
Don’t worry about rambling, you’re struggling for support and don’t know what to say or how to say it. Just say what you feel. By heck none of us wish we’d even have to type here but hey ho, life isn’t simple!