Hi Hayley,
I can relate. My husband is a cocaine user too. He used to disappear for days and I would have anxiety attacks looking for him all hours of the day and night. Now he uses almost daily and doesn’t disappear anymore. He says this is better behaviour trying to justify his actions. Users will manipulate and gaslight us as it’s part of the addiction. Trust is gone which is the foundation of marriage. I find it in my house too. It sounds like you need to set strong boundaries for yourself. You cannot change him and you didn’t cause this. If he doesn’t want help it will get worse. You will continue to get sick as well. It’s hard with kids I know. I have three. I’m sorry you are going through this. Leaving is sometimes the best option.