Hi Frahar, I hope you’re okay and I’m really sorry you are going through this. I myself am a recovering cocaine addict so have experienced most of the evils that active addiction can cause. I obviously am not a professional so I can’t tell you what to do but I hope this helps.
Firstly, mistreating you, regardless of the addiction is never okay. Of course you can say you understand and it’s not him it’s the drugs but you do not deserve to be on the receiving end of abuse in any kind. It seems to me that you have got to a point where he knows that regardless of his actions, you will still be there and try to help him. Addicts will latch onto relationships like that knowing they can get away with aiming all of the hurt, shame, and anger they have towards themselves onto someone else. Alot of addicts have to live in an alternate universe in their head half the time. This is because admitting to themselves they are the problem, they are the one to blame a d they have somehow ended up living life the way they are is too much to accept so they will almost mentally block out their wrong doing and instead blame everyone else around them. The cheating accusations thing is massively common. I have a few theories on this, cocaine does something to users brains that when they are.on it they are very sexually engaged mentally, alot of people will watch X rated content or crave sexual release. This coupled with the fact when they are using they are normally hiding from their partner somewhere and they also know that they are treating them bad and they deserve better, will make.them come to the conclusion the partner is cheating. Crazy I know but so many users are convinced their partner is cheating.
The suicide thing is tricky because of course I can’t tell you not to dismiss it because if something was to happen I would for one feel responsible, however, I have had experience with people close to me who sadly have gone through with it and also a few who have said they are going to buy infact it was a cry for help, or an attention thing. If he is carrying all the shame of the session he has been on and it’s coming to an end and he can’t bare toface the reality of what he has done it could almost be used as a scapegoat. “You can’t be mad and shout at me because I’m going to kill myself”. So instead of having to apologise for everything or have to listen to being told how much he hurt and upset you, pulling the suicide card mean he gets comfort, love, attention. And his actions are brushed under the carpet whilst you try to make sure he is okay. People who genuinely go through with it do not project it or tell anyone.
What was he like when he was clean for those months? Is there anything you believe could have triggered him to get back on it?
I think you need to set boundaries and make him aware of the damage his actions are having on your happiness. You can not continue to be an emotional punch bag or a doormat forever because of his addiction. Of course support him but he needs to know that if he doesn’t actively try to make changes then you will have to leave. I know you will struggle to do this as you are a caring person but right now you need to put taking care of yourself first.
I hope this helps in some way and if you have any questions or anything let me know.
Stay strong
James x