I am sorry for everyone who is going through this madness.
My husband and I are currently separated. Our cocaine journey started 3 years ago, in January of 2021 (and I call it ours because it’s torn up both of us). In January of 2024, my husband decided to go on a binge in our apartment. Previous to this, he usually would hide his drug use from me.
December 2023, he spent every Friday or Saturday night (sometimes both nights), all night long, in the living room by himself, talking with friends, or at least that’s what he said he was doing. He would drink an entire bottle of whiskey (750 mill – a large bottle) until 6, 8, to 10 am in the morning, and still be wide awake.
These weekends, I remember waking up at 5 or 6 am in the morning to realize he was not in bed with me. Feeling worried, crushed, angry, and disappointed, I would make my way out into the living room and yell at him. I didn’t want to yell; it was out of pure frustration. I knew in my heart something was wrong. His actions made no sense, and I was so uncomfortable. I would then try to engage to see what was the matter. I’d ask, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Please talk to me.” But he would always say, nothing is wrong, it was his weekend and he was relaxing. In my opinion, these are the actions of someone who is not happy. It’s not normal. However, according to him, nothing was wrong. He was fine. He just liked staying up all night talking to his friends; it was a way for him to relax. He thought my actions were ridiculous and controlling; he used to say, “Who wakes up at 5 am and starts yelling?”
After an all-nighter of drinking, he would sleep all day, or he would be awake and still be kind of drunk. Maybe I’m a control freak, but that also made me uncomfortable. I knew his hangovers must have been disastrous. I didn’t know how he was out of bed sometimes. I kept saying to myself, “Okay, so I guess I’ll have a lot of time on Saturday and Sunday to do the things that I want because he will be in bed all day. F*** it!”
So, this binge in January of 2024, this time, it was all out in front of my face, and it seemed like he didn’t care. He spent two days drinking basically any alcohol that he could get his hands on and using, being incoherent, staying up all night, and doing drugs off our kitchen table, playing his music. While this was happening, I left our place because I didn’t feel safe. I stayed at a hotel on Saturday night, and it was soul-crushing. To be this betrayed by the person that was supposed to love you.
A day and a half into the binge, after having left and returned to our apartment several times to see if this hell was still happening, I found his phone. Side note: To this day, I have never checked his phone in our marriage. But on this day, because I am an idiot and I have a hard time seeing drug use, I took his phone. I wanted confirmation that he was using. I wanted to see the text to/from a dealer. What I got was way worse.
I took his phone; he did not know that I took it because he was so incoherent. I found over 8,000 texts from and to another woman that were explicit and descriptive that an affair occurred. It was not just an emotional affair; it was a physical one as well, that lasted for 3 months. Some of the stuff that was said in the text was unreal, and to this day, it’s still hard for me to believe. I never thought the man I married was capable of cheating on me.
There were also multiple days after his binge in January that he remained really messed up, and I don’t really know if he was using or not or if it was the ramifications of all the toxic shit he put in his body. He was acting really strange. His manipulation and gaslighting were just pouring out of him and were directed towards me. It was really hard to deal with.
About seven days after his binge, I left home and went to my mother’s house. I stayed there for 3 weeks. I came back home with my mother about two weeks ago now. She has stayed with me. It’s been the worst month of my life.
He also said the cheating was my fault because I wasn’t meeting his needs and doing things for him in bed that he needed.
Current Day – March 1, 2024
Almost 45 days after this nightmare started, he told me today that he doesn’t need recovery. He said, “that’s like going for surgery when you don’t need it.” He also said that I made him, miserable, homeless, and desperate and that he wants to leave the country to go back home. He also said, You have every right to be angry and mad about this, I love you. I wanted you to trust me again. I also don’t want to feel miserable being treated this insensitively because I did something wrong here and there.”
And it is so upsetting that I have to be the one to push him away, and have him constantly come back and say, please don’t, I love you and want to be with you.
He said that I need to loosen up, be more social, and socialize more with friends. We need to go out more.
I’m so angry and upset.
I’ve cried for the past 45 days. I still cry off and on. I wake up with the worst anxiety and, for the past week, get sick. My stomach hurts so bad. I go through a vast array of emotions on a daily basis.
I know now that I can’t go back into that situation after removing myself from it.
This is so f**ked up. I found something today that said, “Maybe once you are better, we could try again.”
What a nightmare.
This January was my tipping point. This has been going on for 3 years on and off. Every time it happens, it’s a blow to the stomach, so disappointing because you want them to do better and get themselves better.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?