Hi aeiou
im sorry you are going through this and have been through this myself with my husband, we were together 8 years 4 good then we had our daughter and he completely changed, started drinking lots more and he admitted to taking cocaine, we are currently seperated but he has turned so angry and nasty and is making my life hell to be honest
Sorry for the long message but this is my experience re involving family, Its hard as I know every family is different but once I involved my husbands family things got a lot worse, I involved my mother in law first as he started using daily, every night he’d be up searching for men I’d hidden under the mattress, he thought my leg was someone else’s, was sure I was drugging him so ripped ever packet open in my bathroom sanitary towels etc, ripped our mattress and sofa apart and started barricading himself in the kids room at 2 am which is when I told his mum, as I was close to involving police, I had a few more weeks of this before his sister got involved and we all got him to go to rehab, he hated me for telling them and didn’t talk to me for a few weeks, he gradually calmed down started communicating and I even got to visit him with our daughter which was nice.
When he came back things were good but if we had a little row he’d run off to his sisters, he sent a picture to a lady he’d met at rehab, his phone flashed up a picture of him and the reply my baby, when I asked him who she was (I may have said who the f is she) he said nothing, left me and the kids for 3 days, his family said if he had anything to hide he wouldn’t have left his phone on the side ????♀️ any couple row was blown out of proportion and he left for days, they made it seem I was the problem.
When he relapsed they stopped talking to him for 3 months, I tried everything but then begged him to go back to rehab which he did, I said if he didn’t I’d have to leave.
His family then got back involved, within 2 weeks I was removed from the contact sheet for rehab and his sister said he wanted to cut ties with me, she said he wanted me out the house and we’d be better apart.
(This was because I messaged him one night rather then ringing, I had a celebration with friends which he should have been at, I had a few drinks and to be honest I didn’t want to talk to him drunk, i just wanted one day off, yes sounds selfish but is the truth, he said he was off to bed so I messaged I loved him lots and would call him in the morning he said same but I couldn’t get hold of him the next day)
When he did speak to me he said I was an awful person for not putting him first, saying I’d leave someone who was obviously ill, I hadn’t supported him and it was only his family who had always been there for him, out of 4 weeks I had this one day to myself child free, he didn’t used to ring me every night at rehab as would go out for meals or be watching a movie but the one day I had plans was the one night he expected me ring.
I know there are always 2 sides to a story but I feel I am truthful when I’ve caused a problem and will admit if I’m wrong, the drug abuse put a lot of strain on our relationship but I tried so hard to make him feel loved, and be a dad to the kids, we had silly couple rows and talking to his mum even she said her and her husband argued lots more and it was normal couple things, but he couldn’t cope, he wanted us to be better then other relationships, if our daughter had been awake at night and I was quiet as tired, he’d say I was always tired and miserable which wasn’t true,
After rehab 2 he blocked me for 2 weeks and went away for a week on holiday, at the end of his holiday he messaged and said he did love me and the kids that we were his world and he wanted to ignore his family and come home.
I don’t know if it’s easier for a family to blame the other person, they’ve lots of issues as a family but choose to blame me, I feel if we were aloud to be a couple things would have been different, my daughter would have her dad, her family so I obviously have resentment towards them
He lasted a month at home after rehab but didn’t seem to be able to cope with family life, I felt we both needed time to get used to the new life and he admitted he was struggling, to stay clean he got up at 4 went to the gym, then ran, had an AA meeting a few times a week, met his mum for coffee, watched you tube on self help, had a nap, I put our daughter to bed at 7 (took over an hour to get her down) and he’d go bed at 8, if she had a paddy he’d walk out, when I was getting them ready for school he lay down with his earphones in, the last row our daughter was crying while I was trying to do dinner and when I dished hers up she said she didn’t like it and pushed the plate on the floor (she’s not a bad child was just one of those 3 year old days) he came in from his shed (was tidying it) and asked what was wrong I said I was struggling and for gods sake needed more help (3years of drug abuse, 2 x 4 week stays in rehab a weeks holiday I had no help or support with the children a 3 year old and we each have children from previous relationships) I said he’d napped a lot of the day then gone outside as soon as she got back from nursery, he took that as me calling him lazy and a bad dad which I said yes if thats how you want to put it, he went to his sisters, and we’ve not really spoken since (this was October) he’s recently moved in completely with his sister, he’s working for her and I don’t see my step children, he has disowned my children, said he no longer cares for them, and has not seen our daughter properly in months
If I was to do it all again I’d try and get him to rehab myself, I’d have a lot more contact with the rehab and wouldn’t let anyone take over, you hear a lot of stories where it ends up like mine, but there are people who do make it work. It’s not easy loving someone with an addiction and in some ways if you love them at there worst it’s really hard to stop, I do feel in constant mourning for him, for our marriage for our daughters normal life, the man I loved doesn’t exist at the moment and his family think he’s better off without us, I worry he’s not well and support to get back to a normal life would have helped him more but I don’t know.
Your husbands family may be a lot more supportive and I hope what ever you decide works out for you, just try not to loose yourself while this is going on and take care, again sorry for the long message it’s my therapy putting it down in words so all comes out ????♀️ xx