Lolipop I’m eternally grateful for your reply thankyou so very much,
Your words are sincere and it meant the world to be heard.
After reading back to myself the words I had written my eyes filled up with dispair, I don’t speak out loud normally and I’m often ignored as my feelings are not normally classed as important.
I sat up all night and had so many horrible thoughts and it came to mind that I can’t save him from himself, I’ve spent the last few years being his goal post and I’m so tired. I must of felt so desperate to want to even consider taking my own life. I sort of understand something’s more clearly now after hitting rock bottom. I have always been a direct person my honesty can be somewhat brutal at times, and hard to swallow, but when things are to much and I’m carrying a heavy load the truth needs to be said firmly in hope that things will change and praying the penny will drop… But has I have tried more than I should I made myself poorly from the stress and fear. I have spent most of my young life in fear and it seems to others that I should continue you on with settling with it, I have found myself sinking and suffocating with burdens far more worse than anyone could of predicted. I have tried to make a bond that has been somewhat none existent but it works both ways and it’s totally exhausting when I’m the only one making the effort. Knowing there are others out there mothers who too have the same war as me, trying to save the ones we most certainly love more than anything. My son is 10 years old and my brother almost 21 years has never played or interacted with him since he started drinking at 16, my son has a keen interest I. Football and enjoys being around my family but when alcohol has lifted it’s ugly head.. My son becomes fearful and rebels in anger. I have taken control and removed him from my brothers life as he has no feeling what so ever and my son and I cannot and will not surround ourselves around my brother who is most defiantly a lability. My son asks me most days” why does my uncle hate me ” is this my fault mummy” why doesn’t he play with me and ask how I am” etc, I feel very sad that both of my brothers have no interest in my son and my parents have control over my life and dictate what is best for my son but they don’t do it with there own. I’m now 28 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I wish that things could go back to the way they were.. But it’s been that long I can’t recall when things were normal and our family were close and happy. His addicted to Alcohol has destroyed us all, and my middle brother who is 25 has a eating disorder and manic depression and 3 mental illness is one also has no interest in my son. I’ve always thought there must be something wrong with us, to not be loved back but after all this time I think or I know there must be something wrong with them. It’s hard being everyone’s punchbag and target and I know I can cope and have put up with more than some haven’t but inside a piece of me dies every time a argument has broke out or a fight as erupted. It’s the fear factor taking to the extreme and I’m the only one with a level head and the maturity to know that what is happining isn’t normal and to except this sort of behaviour would make me abnormal. I haven’t slept for 3 nights I have lucid dreams that seem so real. One incident occurred a few days ago that really frightened me, he said during a argument that he was going to kill me, so one night my mother told me to go into his room to see If there were any cups to take down as I entered the room it was completely pitch black I tried the light switch and nothing happened, I assumed he was out. I put my phone light on to search for cups to put in the dishwasher and I heard a tapping sound, I looked around and saw nothing, as I picked up the last cup I could see something moving across the room I spoke out loud and asked if it was him him and the door closed on me, I felt very afraid I fell over empty bottles and cans and large glass bottles and smelled a awful stench from the corner of the room as I put my torch on from my phone I saw him sat in the corner of his room with eyes dark he almost had a evil stare, he said ” I’m coming to kill you tonight” I got up and ran out the door unable to breath frightened and panicky. My mother was angry that I smashed one of her cups and my brother said to never go back up into his room again I thought no way never again. I spoke to my parents about what had happened whilst I went to collect the cups. They told me not to overly panic and to take it like a lunch of salt. That night my brother drank 24 cans of Stella and half a bottle of jack Daniels, I went to ned quite early with a migrane, in my room I spent time pondering over thoughts in my head worrying a lil irately
about about if and what he had said that day about wanting me dead Was a joke or not I left the hallway light on fell asleep after taking a sleep tablet from my doctor I awoke from a nightmare of my brother standing over me as I slept and as I looked up he was there smelling of booze and vomit, it was the most scary experience ive ever known, he looked down at me with a unuasl but disturbing way and mumbled a few words and then walked out my room after that night I sleep with all my lights on. I told my parents and they told me not to panic he probably didn’t mean to scare me, they didn’t take into consideration of my feelings and just took it as a joke. That sort of knocked the nail on the head for me. I cannot continue living in fear anymore and my voice was being ignored when I know in my heart that me feelings are important as much as anyone else’s. I know I haveto start thinking about myself as I have been so used to putting others first. Being totally selfless and giving has left me lonely and broke. I feel like a human stress ball as long as I do what it says on the box everyone’s happy but to me life has been squeezed out of me and I have nothing left to give. So yes it’s time I start looking after myself and to stop living as if I’m everyone’s shadow. I’m too bright to be kept in the dark. I’m sorry your going through as much as hell as I am, it’s not a nice place to be in but I’m so glad things have got better for you and it’s safe to say there is a light at the end of the tunnel xx
