It has crossed my mind so many times to ban him from my house, but my fear is he will turn to his ‘friends’, meaning his drug dealer and other heroin addicts he’s met through his addiction. I’m frightened he will end up using more and more because of the people he’s around, becoming involved in crime, or end up living in a squat.
I know my worries will not go away if I’m not with him, I’ll worry more about where he is and if he’s okay, he’s told me so many times that I am his rock, and he would have nothing without me, but is this just another manipulative tactic?
I know he has cut down a lot since starting the methadone, and he does adhere to their care plan, NA meetings and counselling and such. He is trying but it doesn’t stop how I am feeling. One ‘bad’ hit could kill him and I think he’s in denial of that.
I just feel as if I can’t win. Aside from this, albeit a massive issue, our relationship is perfect. We have a lot in common, we can lay in bed all day and laugh at nothing, he has been a shoulder for me to cry on through struggles of my own, he’s protected and stood up for me when I most needed it, i’ve never felt as loved by another person. I don’t want this addiction to get the better of us as a couple, but i know that if things dont change then it will.
I am hanging on to that hope, but for how long?
I feel very bitter towards him for getting me into this situation, it being intentional or not, I know it’s going to stay with me forever. If we split i’ll always be wondering ‘what if?’ and if we dont and he does manage to become clean, I’ll always have that doubt somewhere, and that makes me feel very guilty.
I don’t know, I am just very confused and it’s making me lonely. Some days I will tell him to pick up 2 or 3 days worth of drugs just so that for that 48 hours I do not have to hear about it, I dont have to watch him leave the house to meet a drug dealer, I can almost pretend its not happening and have happy two days.
Like I said, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m worried people will put it down to my age and because it is my first real relationship, that I am being silly, naive and prehaps even childish?
I’ve not gone into this thinking it’s going to be easy, I knew it was going to be hard, but I was prepared to see it through, just now, only a few months in, I am seeing no end to it.
Thank you all for your comments, it is nice to talk to people who can relate to me, I have mentioned it to very close friends but they do not understand the way it feels to be so much in love with someone who has such a destructive habit.
I really appreciate you all xx
