Tears come again today, the loss of my brother at times becomes overwhelming. Guilt is present when I think about the anger I felt for him.
He used to scream down the phone for £25.00 and a lift. On route he would be retching and forever grateful for my time and money… apologising on route promising to give it up. I used to be fuming begging him to stop, He used to cry saying he knew his only escape was death but said he didn’t want to die yet. So he would give it another go, delighted with himself on day four when the worse of it was over. See..I can do it, honestly that’s me clean!
I said everyone around him would forgive his past, he used to say it was harder than everyone believed, the guilt he held for stealing of everyone. He said it hurt him. The loss of his partner and daughter hurt him. He said he wasn’t sure he could live a normal life again.
He asked if I found it hard to trust people, to accept a hug, we would laugh and he’d say we were really let down weren’t we. He said why did no one pick up on me eating loads of sugar, so I could stay awake. He felt completely let down by professionals and people around us. He said he still shakes himself to sleep.
Thieving barstard, psycho, black basted, thick, stupid, evil…. words that were regularly used to describe him.
After his beatings he’d come out of the room, sheepish, bruised, red faced, sometimes he couldnt move properly, sometimes he wouldn’t come out till the next day. I said I could hear you screaming Andy are you okay, he would say “I screamed so he’d think it hurt me.”
We were told our father was a black useless piece of shit, and he didn’t return for us cos he hated us. One year he told us he had seen him hanging when he had been working in Saudi. We were deflated we sat for hours praying he would come and protect us, but he didn’t. Andy always said he would like to meet him, he was Iranian and we were told lots of different stories, so to find him would have been impossible. Apparently he sent family over but nothing after. So he knew where we were at one point.
Our sister was taken on holidays and we stayed at home.
Mother had several boyfriends, one strangled me with her with a scarf, I remember feeling feint and passed out. Andy was fuming, he stole from his wallet cos he said he deserved it but he was caught..
Wow so many stories, so much pain… Andy wasn’t able to manage his emotions and used to get cross… It was put down to him being mental, a psycho, no recognition of how the evil environment impacted on him. When she was beaten and never came out of her room we were terrified because he hated us and we were at our most volnerable when she couldnt protect. I remember our breathing became quieter so he couldnt hear us…terrified!
He started smoking at about 7 yr. I remember he made me take a deeeeeep breath and I coughed my lungs up went green, we were terrified we would wake her up… He left me, she didn’t wake up 🙂
Love and miss you loads Andy X
