I’m embarrassed to admit how I judged you, how I hated the path you had chosen. I just didn’t get it, and probably never will. But in your passing I feel empathy. I genuinely believe after reflecting and looking back over the years reliving your journey (the segments you shared)can only be described as your horrendous journey. Not only a battle with in, but a battle with societies perception of you because you had been over taken by a stronger force than yourself. The hatred of society and the battle within must have been horrendous and my sincere apologies for being part of your pain. Tears flow as I write this in shame, my brother, my friend yet I judged and condemned you 🙁
I have realised too late really that no one would chose the path chosen in naivety, that one fix, pure bliss, escapism, a mask initially portrayed acceptance, bravery, no more pain, but little did we know was strangling you slowly, killing you day by day, that false sense of security was in fact an enemy that you would never free yourself from. As with child abuse, society judge what they see and not the invisible buckets of poop we carry around.
I recall your attempts to give up and how you were always asking us to see you as a person and not an addict. Jeez what was I thinking 🙁 only in your passing do I see it. Why so late?
I recall how you used to cut up the £25 bag in an attempt to cut down and let us see you could do it.
We need to as a society remove the stigma of a drug addict, it’s more than just a choice, if it were that easy to break away from it, let’s get real there wouldn’t be as many deaths. Andy used to cry in the knowing it would kill him, please who would chose that life…no one. It was agonising for him, he wasn’t a dirty junkie, he was a human being trying every day to break free he DID NOT want that life, he had lost the choice it had hold of him.
There was more to him than being a junkie. He loved helping people and became a well know figure within his community, he had compassion, he was still a human being.
I miss you every day, tears flow, the pain of my guilt rushes through me every day. I know now you would never have voluntarily subjected us to your plight. You always said you hated it’s power.. now in your passing I recognise how powerful it really was.
I hope you are now resting, sleeping without fear, without the knowing that you needed another fix.
no gas, no electricity, no food, no more nice clothes, ostracised from a judgemental society really didnt have a clue, just adding to your internal pain, wanting to escape.
I wish you back everyday and can’t wait till we are together again, so we can really get to know each other, share laughter unconditionally.
I miss you so so much, if only it all were a dream 🙁 X
