I feel really sorry for you and it sounds like you could do with someone to talk to who could help you to find a way forward. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people like yourself who are affected by the addictions of their loved ones. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ who would be there to talk and offer support for you. It is a free service so it might be worth you trying us. It often helps to talk things through with someone who would understand and have experience of what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!
