Hello,
I am so sorry to read of your story and to see how very hard everything is for you at the moment and all that you have been through. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports the families and friends who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one’s addiction, like yourself. If you think it would help you could be put in touch with our experienced trained volunteers. They would understand what you are going through and talking to one of them might help you to find a way forward. As you said it does help just to talk things over and it may help you to know that you are not on your own.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you will be able to get some support for yourself. Good luck!